Mutually beneficial sex must be negotiated. During the first phase of our relationship, we may notice our similarities, but as we get to know each other better, we’ll naturally discover differences. These differences create conflict, with sex being a common source of this conflict.[i] Learning to successfully navigate conflict can provide important opportunities for discovering each other in deep and meaningful ways. Conflict resolution expert Emily Taylor explains five different approaches for resolving conflict in her book Conflict Fluent.[ii] While she relates these approaches to relationships in general, these ideas also apply to conflicts couples experience in their sexual relationships. The five conflict approaches are: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing, and collaborating.
Some people may want to dismiss certain conflict styles as purely negative like avoiding and competing, or elevate other styles such as compromise and collaboration, but Taylor explains that each approach has pros and cons. Here’s how a couple may effectively adopt varying conflict styles in a sexual relationship.
When people avoid having or avoid talking about sex, they’re using an Avoiding Approach to sexual conflict. They might choose this approach if they feel embarrassed to talk about sex, or talking about it feels unsafe. While this approach will not lead to a sexually fulfilling relationship for either partner in the long run, in the short run it may be beneficial if they lack the emotional strength to be vulnerable in the sexual relationship. The obvious drawback to over-using this approach is that it will lead to more superficial sexual interactions.
When someone acquiesces to their partner’s sexual requests or desires at the expense of their own needs, they’re using an Accommodating Approach. At times, individuals may relinquish their sexual desires. By sacrificing, at times, for their partner, individuals can potentially build unity and peace.
However, when someone over-accommodates, they may feel resentment when their accommodations are not reciprocated in a way that’s meaningful for them. Chronic self-sacrificing behavior by one partner can inhibit connection and intimacy that results from working together to solve differences.
When someone settles for partial satisfaction by giving up some of what they want, they’re using a Compromising Approach to sexual conflict. Someone might choose this strategy if the sexual conflict is really just a matter of preference. If they feel safe and supported, they’re more likely to be willing to compromise. Individuals can benefit from using this approach by creating a plan where each person gets most of what they want. When power is relatively balanced between partners, compromise may feel sufficient. In contrast, when one partner compromises more than the other, it may signal that there’s a power imbalance in the relationship. When someone compromises their core values, it creates inner distress. Over-use of this approach will sacrifice opportunities to work together toward greater trust and intimacy.
When individuals hold fast to what they want without giving in at all, they’re using a Competing Approach. In a competing approach one partner may be unwilling to compromise on a sexual principle that’s non-negotiable for them. The benefit of this approach is advocating for oneself in a way that feels empowering.
Over-use of the competing approach may lead to one partner feeling dominated, which leads to damaged trust and a loss of emotional safety. In a competition someone always loses, which may not lead to optimal sex.[iii] It may be that one partner is only concerned with meeting their own desires or expectations, which does not build unity. This likely results in one partner being perceived as selfish and arrogant, leading to increased conflict intensity and frequency.
A Collaborative Approach to sexual conflict does not require either party to relinquish their needs, but instead leads to a mutually-satisfying solution. With collaboration, both people share what they hope and desire for the relationship and communicate through any differences until they reach a creative solution. Utilizing this approach can nurture trust, emotional safety and intimacy in the relationship. It can also balance power differentials and show regard for each partner. The benefits of using this approach may be increased sexual frequency, higher desire, and increased orgasm rates. Despite the obvious benefits of this approach, there are some drawbacks. The collaborating approach can be time-consuming, require extra energy and may be unnecessary if the conflict is insignificant. One partner may be forced to utilize other approaches if the other person is unwilling – in a given moment – to invest the time and energy in communicating until they reach a mutually satisfying solution. On the flip side, if someone refuses to collaborate, they may miss important opportunities to resolve issues and create a closer sense of connection.
Like learning any language, conflict fluency requires intentionality and consistent effort. Understanding which approach is the most beneficial in a given situation is not always straightforward, but the effort to become conflict fluent is worth the effort.[iv] Mastering all five approaches increases our ability to quickly assess and if necessary, course correct. Working to develop new skills for resolving sexual differences can increase our mindfulness, resulting in more mutually beneficial sexual relationships.
Lisa Stoddard-Reeves graduated from BYU with a BA in humanities. She’s currently preparing for graduate school with an interest in gender, healthy sexuality, mindfulness and religion. She teaches health and wellness classes, develops recipes and has a small food seasoning company. She’s been married for 28 years and has 5 children.
[i] Elliott, S. and Umberson, D. The performance of desire: gender and sexual negotiation in long‐term marriages. Journal of Marriage and Family. Volume 70, Issue 2. Abstract. May 2008.
[ii] Taylor, Emily. Conflict Fluent: Mastering the Five Conflict Approaches. Collaborative Book Works. 2021.
[iii] Kleinplatz, Peggy, J. and Ménard, A. Dana and Paquet, Marie-Pierre and Paridis, Nicolas and Campbell, Meghan and Zuccarino, Dino and Mehak, Lisa. The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex.” The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol. 18 (1-2) 2009.
[iv] Taylor, Emily. Conflict Fluent: Mastering the Five Conflict Approaches. Collaborative Book Works. 2021.