No Matter Where You Live: The Importance of Parents Talking to Adolescents About Sex

As a therapist in Iran, I see a number of problems surrounding sexuality that are due to culture. However, many of the problems in Iran are problems that are seen the world over. Iran is a patriarchal society where men are in charge of the family. This is passed down from fathers to sons, and boys learn how to communicate with others, about work-related issues, and even about sex from their fathers. Similarly, Iranian mothers educate their daughters. Iranian girls learn about puberty, menstruation, and how to communicate with boys from their mothers[1]. Unfortunately, over the last few decades, this pattern has eroded, with economic problems forcing parents to work long hours in stressful jobs. This has diminished the parent-adolescent relationship and hindered the amount of communication about important topics such as sexuality.

There are serious consequences attached to these risky behaviors, such as STIs, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, and severe psychological harm[1]. Like Iranian adolescents, U.S. adolescents are also less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors when they have a strong relationship with their parents[3]. U.S. teens also delay having sex until later in life when they have open, frequent communication about sex with their parents[4]. It is clear that promoting positive parent-child discussions about sexuality is beneficial to adolescents the world over. Consider the following and think about whether your child might face some of these problems.

UNHEALTHY ATTITUDES TOWARD SEX:

According to research, most teens don’t have a proper understanding of sexuality, and the information they gather from those around them is generally unclear and insufficient. Information gained through friends or social media is mostly based on limited experience, inaccurate information, and personal opinion[5]. In addition, teens seek information from cyberspace, where they frequently encounter exaggerated information and pornographic sites, which further confuses teenagers[6]. Adolescents in all cultures often have many questions surrounding sexuality [7], and parents are the best source for clarifying these issues for their children[8].

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX:

Some parents assume that not talking about and not teaching sex to teens can lead to fewer sexual problems. However, this is not the case. Fully 41% of teens between 15 and 18 in Iran are having sex. Not talking to teens actually increases false beliefs about sex, and this is problematic[9]. For example, one study of adolescent girls revealed that 31% of girls said they did not know they would get pregnant by having sexual intercourse[6]. This problem is compounded by the fact that parents often believe that their children receive the necessary information through schools. However, educators are often legally limited in what they can and cannot say, so they speak about sex indirectly or even with a sense of embarrassment[10]. Adding to this problem, in both Iran and the U.S., adolescents do not consider the school environment a convenient place for resolving their sexual concerns[5].

PEER PRESSURE:

Adolescents are also vulnerable to peer pressure and are often willing to take sexual risks to be accepted by peers [8]. Teens are often fearful of social rejection by peers and engage in risky behaviors such as substance abuse, alcohol, or sexual behaviors to avoid being excluded. [11].

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

There is hope! Parents are key in helping teenagers develop an affirmative attitude toward their sexual development. Research shows that positive parent-child communication about sex hinders adolescent high-risk sexual behaviors [8]. The connection between parents and adolescents is important in shaping self-care behaviors and raising awareness in adolescents. Adolescents who have open family sexual communication and family support are more likely to achieve academic success in the future and have a higher degree of well-being in life[12, 13] and higher self-esteem[14].

Adolescents are keen to receive accurate information from their parents to verify the information they received from others [9]. But there are barriers that need to be overcome in order to discuss sexuality in a helpful way. Adolescents maintained that in most cases their parents do not have the necessary listening skills, start judging them, and immediately tend to blame adolescents in conversations about sex. In most cases, parents focus on the negatives and warnings about sexual relationships and do not pay attention to the positive points of sexual relationships[15]. Other factors include controlling teenagers instead of giving them freedom, using strict correction instead of persuasion, and not spending enough time with their children to have close and warm relationships with them[14].

MINDFUL PARENTING

According to reports, 93% of parents and 81% of educators desire training in how to interact with teens about sexual issues[10]. Mindfulness is one factor that can have a major impact on adolescents’ openness about sharing their problems with their parents and for adolescents to better cope with the challenges of this period[16].

One of the most significant impacts mindful parenting can have on adolescents’ sexuality is nonjudgmental listening. This creates an open environment that encourages discussion. Parents can increase their capability to empathize with their adolescents by nonjudgmentally listening to them. This skill led mindful parents to more accurately identify with the emotions of teens. Moreover, a mindful parent who is listening without judgment can give a teen the confidence to share their thoughts and ideas about sexuality, and help parents stay away from assigning blame, which can shut these crucial conversations down.

Non-judgmental listening by parents can help teenagers foster positive sexual attitudes, feel better about their body, and express their needs. Mindful parenting decreases regret and helps adolescents delay sexual activities until they are really ready and properly informed–and not just because they feel pressure from friends or have misinformation from the internet [8]. Mindful parents provide a nurturing environment in which parents and children can discuss the meaning of sex and set guidelines for healthy romantic and sexual relationships, no matter the country or culture[16].

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15. Azarkhordad, F., H. Jenaabadi, and V. Mehdinezhad, The Effectiveness of Sex Education Based on Mindfulness Training and Islamic Teachings in Improving Satisfaction with Sexual Identity Among Male Adolescents in Zahedan, Iran. Jundishapur Journal of Health Sciences, 2019. 11(4).
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