In college, I saved up a few thousand dollars and was ready to buy a car. The first person I asked for help with car shopping was my dad. He is a car guru; if you have a car question, he’s certain to know the answer. We talked over options, price points, and pros and cons, and he gave me great advice. I knew my dad cared about me and had my best interests at heart, so I trusted him to help me make the best decision. Most dads wouldn’t hesitate to help their daughters choose the right car, but when it comes to their daughters’ sexuality, a lot of dads don’t know where to start. But, when dads communicate with their daughters about romantic relationships and sex, it boosts their daughters’ self-efficacy (i.e., daughters’ belief in themself and that they can control their life) [d]. This is just one of the positive outcomes from dad’s open and positive communication about sex with their daughters.
As a dad you might be thinking “No way am I about to talk to my daughter about birth control, bras, or her body!” Addressing a new, potentially vulnerable topic with your daughter can be challenging, especially if you have never done it before.
Here are a few tips and dos and don’ts to get you started:
Do: Understand where YOU need more knowledge before you talk to her. If you feel uncomfortable talking about female anatomy or what happens during puberty, try consulting a trustworthy source like a trusted female friend, the library, or a scholarly website. Increase what you know so that you’re prepared to teach your daughter factual and accurate information.
Do: Build up your relationship with your daughter. We are all more willing to open up to someone who is close, trusted, and approachable. Strengthening your relationship with her by talking about every-day things like her interests, thoughts, or opinions, will make it more natural to engage in conversations, especially regarding things she may not be willing to open up about initially, like questions about sex.[b]. Relationships of trust take time to form, so don’t be discouraged if it takes a while.
Do: Communicate clearly about sexual topics. Beating around the bush, being vague about sex, giving semi-accurate information, or using slang terms for body parts can send the message that these things are inherently awkward [c]. If you need to work through your discomfort before talking with someone about it, try practicing what you’re going to say beforehand. Helpful tip: as you talk to your daughter directly, you can include “female empowerment ideology” by helping her understand she has control over her situation and decisions [d]. Also, include how women can take an active role in creating safe and positive sexual experiences for themselves.
That being said, Do: Be aware and responsive to your daughter’s comfort level. Try starting with basic topics like body safety and positivity when she’s younger and as she matures, work your way to more difficult topics like how sex works or how pornography damages relationships. Be mindful of how she responds, stay age-appropriate, and take your time to be intentional to not overwhelm her with too much information [a].
Don’t: Use harmful communication tactics that manipulate. This includes coercion, threats, or fear tactics [e]. Fear tactics can include excessively dwelling on the negative outcomes of premarital sex, not using birth control, etc., while coercion includes communication using threats or guilt to pressure girls to make certain decisions. These tactics discourage her ability to think for herself and decide what is appropriate for her own sexuality. They belittle her agency and teach her to mistrust herself. You want her to feel like she is capable of making these decisions and that you are confident in her abilities. Remember, the goal is to create closeness with her so that she’ll always feel comfortable talking to you about anything!
Don’t: Associate shame with sexuality. The way you feel about and respond to sexuality, whether obvious or not, will transmit your ideas and opinions about sexuality to your children. This often occurs in non-obvious ways like your behavior, body language, or comments about clothing, or the way you respond when a child brings up anything sexual in nature. The more you treat sex as a forbidden or shameful topic, the more likely your child will associate feelings of shame and inappropriateness with sexuality. Keep your tone positive and empower her to think through her own problems as you give her accurate information and guidance.
Lastly, Do: believe that your involvement in her sexual education matters. Teaching your daughter about her sexuality from a holistic approach will improve the way she perceives her own sexuality. As you utilize these skills, your daughter will not only develop in her relationship with you and in her sexual knowledge, but she will see your example and beliefs and internalize that female sexuality is and should be important to men.
Helping her purchase a car? Piece of cake. Talking about her sexuality? A little more challenging, but with love and effort, you’ll be an expert in no time.
Emily graduated from Brigham Young University in 2021 with a degree in Family Studies emphasizing in Human Development. She looks forward to pursuing a Master’s Degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development and is interested in studying technology and the family. She loves to find peace through meditative hand arts and spending time with her husband playing frisbee golf.
References
[a] Hutchinson, M. K., & Cederbaum, J. A. (2011). Talking to daddy’s little girl about sex: Daughters’ reports of sexual communication and support from fathers. Journal of Family Issues, 32(4), 550-572. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X10384222[b] Nielsen, S. K., Latty, C. R., & Angera, J. J. (2013). Factors that contribute to fathers being perceived as good or poor sexuality educators for their daughters. Fathering: A Journal of Theory, Research & Practice about Men as Fathers, 11(1), 52-70. https://doi.org/10.3149/fth.1101.52 8
[c] Sentino, P., Thompson, P. L., Nugent, W. R., & Freeman, D. (2018). Adolescent daughters’ perceptions of their fathers’ levels of communication and care: How these variables influence female adolescent sexual behaviors. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 28(5), 632-646. https://doi.org/10.1080/10911359.2018.1449693
[d] Stewart, J. L., Widman, L., & Kamke, K. (2019). Applying a multifactorial communication framework to better understand differences between father-daughter and mother-daughter sexual health discussions. Journal of Health Communication, 24(7-8), 633-642. https://doi.org/10.1080/10810730.2019.1651428
[e] Stinson, A. (2019, November 27). Dads controlling their daughters’ sexuality has side effects. These women would know. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/p/dads-controlling-their-daughters-sexuality-has-side-effects-these-women-would-know-19367542. 9