The first time I saw a sex scene in a movie – I was 7 years-old, thanks to my much older siblings’ choice of a babysitting activity. The chick flick scene showed a good-looking guy in a bar, clearly upset, who locks eyes with a gorgeous girl across the room and ends up taking her home to sleep with her. As a young girl, I started shaping my views of what “normal” sex is. Because of my religious values, I knew sex was meant for marriage. But this movie showed that sex was for fun, to hide from your problems, and to get people to like you… and it was no big deal. That movie scene was the first of many exposures to non-committal, casual-sex.
What Is Non-Committal Sex?
Non-committal sex is any sexual conduct that does not occur within a committed relationship. You may be thinking: “this happens a lot, though.” You’re right! Up to 76% of U.S college students engage in sexual conduct with friends, strangers, acquaintances… all of whom they are not committed to.[1] Hook-up culture promotes having sex without promoting the deep regret that often ensues. A college student sample of those who reported engagement in casual sex, 75% also reported feelings of regret afterwards. The most common reasoning for regret (36.8%) was because these sexual activities went against the individuals’ morals and values.[2]
Why Do We Do It?
Think of your first exposure to non-committal sex. Most likely it came, like mine, from some sort of media. The media we have been consuming since we were young children—movies, TV shows, Snapchat, Instagram etc.— gives us easy access to ideas surrounding sex. Research shows that most sexual encounters the media depicts are within casual relationships.[3] This idea of casual sex floods our media… kids are being exposed to nearly 14,000 sexual references, innuendos, and behaviors annually.2 Kids who are exposed to sex often, in comparison to their peers who are less exposed, are more likely to engage in permissive thoughts and actions regarding sex.[1] Human brains learn behavior through watching, listening to, and observing others.[1] When we watch movie characters who we love and admire, meet people, flirt, and date, our minds are taking notes. These notes are: casual sex is good and there are no repercussions.
Aside from sexual media, our own personal motivations often entice us to seek out non-committal sexual endeavors. Studies have shown that young adults seek hook-ups for enhancement (the thrill), intimacy, as coping mechanisms, self-affirmation, peer approval, and another’s pleasure or validation.[4] But if we decide to hook-up with a friend after a stressful week, would casual sex really give us all that we are looking for?
The Downfall of Hook-Ups
Humans are created for connection. Feelings of loneliness and isolation are often correlated with increased depressive symptoms, even increased mortality rates.5 On the other hand, research shows that when we feel connected to others through fulfilling relationships, our overall physical and mental health and happiness increases. Casual sex is missing essential ingredients that create a fulfilling relationship—real connection.
As much as our media and culture may tell us that no-strings-attached relationships provide all the positives without any of the negatives, it simply isn’t true. There is no such thing as non-committal sex because our bodies and brains don’t work that way. Our bodies crave physical connection because they crave emotional connection. When we engage in sexual activities with another person, oxytocin is released into our bodies. Oxytocin, also known as the “love drug,” is a hormone that is linked to feelings of trust, attachment, and bonding. This hormone can be released by holding hands, hugging, massaging, or sexual intimacy.[5]
Anytime you engage in a sexual act with someone, your body naturally releases chemicals telling your brain to make an attachment. We think sex can be non-committal, but when we have sex our bodies literally produce a hormone telling us to commit. When you make attachments in non-committal sex over and over again, you then have to break those attachments over and over again. When we understand this concept, casual sex quickly goes from fun and relieving, to confusing and lonely. This can help explain why regret levels are so high after one-night stands.2
Alternatives to Casual Sex
We all crave connection and closeness. Finding ways to fulfill those relational needs are crucial to our physical and mental health. Contrary to what the media may teach us, and what we may naturally seek out, casual sex does not fulfill our true needs. If you aren’t in a committed sexual relationship right now, there are many ways to create meaningful connections in your life that will bring positive physical and mental benefits.4
- Family and Friends
Reach out to a friend or family member through a phone call, facetime call, or face-to-face interaction. Nourish and maintain those relationships. Ask for a hug or give a hug to create affectionate connection.
- Community Engagement
Get involved in your community! Googling “service opportunities near me” will bring up a variety of opportunities to engage in group service activities weekly, monthly, etc. This will cultivate a sense of connectedness to your community and people, which is associated with greater mental health.[6]
- Fulfilling hobbies
Develop a hobby or skill in which you have the opportunity to meet new people, or do it with someone you already have a relationship with. Share your passions with others to create even more meaningful connection.
When we feed into our desires for connection through “no strings attached” sex that is unlikely to lead to an emotional connection, we are left feeling lonely and isolated instead.2 We don’t have to go to sex to release our bonding hormone! Take the time to find ways you can create fulfilling relationships.
Anne Lincoln
Is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University pursuing degrees in Communications: Public Relations and Family Studies. She has a passion for people and for learning about the important research and theories that drive healthy relationships and families. Anne is currently working on Chelom’s research team focusing on healthy sexuality.
References
[1] Bersamin, M. M., Zamboanga, B. L., & Schwartz, S. J. (2021). Risky Business: Is There an Association between Casual Sex and Mental Health among Emerging Adults? US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.
[2] Colaco, C. (2017). An examination of the experience of and the reasons for regretted sex among undergraduate college students [ProQuest Information & Learning]. In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol. 78, Issue 5–B(E)).
[3] Bersamin, M. M., Bourdeau, B., Fisher, D. A., & Grube, J. W. (2010). Television use, sexual behavior, and relationship status at last oral sex and vaginal intercourse. Sexuality & Culture, 14(2), 157–168. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-010-9066-x
[4] Blayney, J. A., Lewis, M. A., & Kaysen, D. (2019). Examining the influence of gender and sexual motivation in college hookups. US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.
[5] Martino, J., Pegg, J., & Frates, E. P. (2015). The Connection Prescription: Using the Power of Social Interactions and the Deep Desire for Connectedness to Empower Health and Wellness. US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health.
[6] Michalski, C. A., Diemert, L. M., Helliwell, J. F., Goel, V., & Rosella, L. C. (2020). Relationship between sense of community belonging and self-rated health across life stages. SSM – Population Health, 12, 100676. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmph.2020.100676