Compared to men, women are more relationally focused and act as the “emotional managers” of the relationship).[i] Women are more proactive and more likely to bring up emotional or relational issues.[ii] Women often feel they are overburdened in the relationship.[iii] Are you the emotional engine in your relationship?
Research is filled with evidence on the demand-withdrawal cycle.[iv] [v] The demand-withdrawal cycle refers to the tendency for partner A to try and change partner B or the relationship by putting demands on partner B. The response by partner B is to withdraw. The more demanding partner A is, the more withdrawing partner B is, perpetuating the cycle. Women are commonly in the demand position (partner A), while men typically withdraw (partner B).[vi] [vii] There are different theories reflecting on why this is. Women’s relational focus and willingness to communicate issues (versus avoid them) may play a part in this.
Here’s a typical scenario: A wife overworking within the marriage, in the household, and with the children. She’s emotionally drained by all the responsibility. She feels frustrated, unsupported, and alone. The husband is also overwhelmed by the responsibilities before him and yet feels defensive that more is still expected of him. He retreats, detaching himself emotionally from his wife and the needs that are building up within the family.
Can you relate to one of these patterns? Do you typically do the asking or backing away?
It’s important to acknowledge that our perceptions of these patterns and the communication that follows can influence the demand withdrawal cycle.
Here are two tips to move away from the demand withdrawal cycle.
Examine your perceptions
First of all, let’s face it: regardless of a person’s intent, we often don’t like it when people try to change us. We also typically dislike it when we feel others demanding us to change. Spouses will often resist each other when they sense that the other is trying to change them.[viii] This is especially the case when we imply that our marital problems are mainly a result of our spouse’s shortcomings. The fact of the matter is, it takes two to tango. It takes two to create something. The minute we decide that it’s our partner who needs to change, we no longer have control over the situation ourselves. “Accusing others means making ourselves out to be their victim.”[ix] So how does one begin to walk away from their victimhood?
You are only responsible for your own emotions, beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors, which means acknowledging how little power you have over your spouse and marital situations. When you are frustrated with your spouse, pondering why can be helpful. What expectations did you have? Did their behavior hurt you? How? Why? What is within your control in this particular situation? Are you angry? Sad? Confused? What is behind those emotions? If you are religious, asking your Higher Power in prayer or meditation to help you see your own actions and your spouse clearly can help.[x] If you are not aligned with any Higher Power, self-reflection is still a powerful tool that can bring clarity and direction.
Communicate in a non-blaming way
After you have unpacked your perceptions, what is left? Ask yourself—what are you wanting to communicate? How can you communicate in a way that doesn’t blame solely your partner?
During conflict, non-blaming communication results in better outcomes.[xi] Be honest and start by articulating how you feel. For example, “I feel ____ when you pull away” or “I feel ____ right now.” Ultimately, communicating your feelings demonstrates your investment in the marital relationship. Communicate that there is some imbalance or problem, and you want to address it.
Remember that authentic communication is essential. In a study examining the emotional work among women within the sexual relationship, researchers found that women, wanting to support their partner’s emotional experience/identity, often faked organism and hid sexual pain.[xii] Women often fear that their partner is unable to handle their honest feedback—but their lack of disclosure ensures relational and sexual stagnation. We can’t change what we are unaware of.
Authentically share your emotional response to your spouse’s behavior/a specific situation, and then invited them to healthy productive communication. Maybe they will be receptive and work to remedy the issue in the way that you had wanted or give a different solution. They may not be ready or willing to take responsibility or change in the way you would like. But choosing personal accountability when there are issues in your marriage minimizes the negative demand-withdrawal cycle, freeing you up to focus on what you can control.
Emma Engebretsen is a senior at Brigham Young University, studying Family Life. She is grateful for all that she’s been able to learn there, along with other tangential topics, such as: Hebraic thought, the psychology of belonging/acceptance, and masculine and feminine energy. She values many modes of thought and strives to be curious when encountering new and different ideas. In her spare time, she enjoys being in the sun (preferably at the beach), talking with friends, and having mini dance parties.
[i] John Mordechai Gottman, & Silver, N. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail : what you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last. Simon & Schuster.
[ii] Heyman, R. E., Hunt-Martorano, A. N., Malik, J., & Slep, A. M. S. (2009). Desired change in couples: Gender differences and effects on communication. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(4), 474–484. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015980
[iii] Fahs, B., & Swank, E. (2016). The Other Third Shift?: Women’s Emotion Work in Their Sexual Relationships. Feminist Formations, 28(3), 46–69. https://doi.org/10.1353/ff.2016.0043
[iv] Caughlin, J. P., & Vangelisti, A. L. (1999). Desire for change in one’s partner as a predictor of the demand/withdraw pattern of marital communication. Communication Monographs, 66(1), 66–89. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637759909376463
[v] Falconier M. K., & Epstein, N. B. (2010). Female-demand/male-withdraw communication in Argentinian couples: A mediating factor between economic strain and relationship distress. Personal Relationships, 18(4), 586–603. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01326.x
[vi] Caughlin, J. P., & Vangelisti, A. L. (1999). Desire for change in one’s partner as a predictor of the demand/withdraw pattern of marital communication. Communication Monographs, 66(1), 66–89. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637759909376463
[vii] Eldridge, K. A., Sevier, M., Jones, J., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2007). Demand-withdraw communication in severely distressed, moderately distressed, and nondistressed couples: Rigidity and polarity during relationship and personal problem discussions. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 218–226. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.2.218
[viii] Caughlin, J. P., & Vangelisti, A. L. (1999). Desire for change in one’s partner as a predictor of the demand/withdraw pattern of marital communication. Communication Monographs, 66(1), 66–89. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637759909376463
[ix] C. Terry Warner. (2016). Bonds that make us free : healing our relationships, coming to ourselves. Shadow Mountain.
[x] Toshi Shichida, Dollahite, D. C., & Carroll, J. S. (2015). How the Perception of God as a Transcendent Moral Authority Influences Marital Connection among American Christians. 34(1), 40.
[xi] John Mordechai Gottman, & Silver, N. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail : what you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last. Simon & Schuster.
[xii] Fahs, B., & Swank, E. (2016). The Other Third Shift?: Women’s Emotion Work in Their Sexual Relationships. Feminist Formations, 28(3), 46–69. https://doi.org/10.1353/ff.2016.0043