NEW BEGINNINGS
As the youngest child in my family, by the time I hit puberty my oldest siblings were out living their best lives at college; or so I thought. I would admire college girls who seemed to have perfect confidence and appearance. I could not wait to go to college and forget about my acne-prone skin, my braces, and my “awkward” weight gain. Combining that with the fact that my favorite teenage T.V. shows portrayed teenagers who were glamorous and perfectly manicured (come to find out years later that those actors playing 16 year old were actually in their late 20s), I wanted to skip over the process of puberty altogether.
This is a feeling that many teenagers experience as they realize that their bodies are changing. Popular social media “glow ups” comparing oneself during puberty and later as an adult makes it seem like going through puberty is a regretful experience. What perception does this give children who are currently experiencing puberty? For me, I was unable to love myself as I was during that time, constantly wishing to look a different way.
We can change the narrative of puberty for future children by recognizing it as a beautiful process that leads people into adulthood. Puberty is a new beginning, it is a time to appreciate what our bodies are capable of and reflect on our lives up until that time. Puberty is a step into our adult bodies and a sign that we are preparing for our potential. The best way to show children the wonders of this new beginning is by talking to them about it.
PREPARING FOR PUBERTY
A good age to start talking about puberty is around 7-8 years old. On average, girls start puberty anywhere from 8-10 years old and boys start puberty around 10-13 years old, however, girls may see early signs of puberty as early as 7 years old. Opening the dialogue about these changes that happen during puberty long before your child experiences it is the best way to prepare them. The surging hormones and emotions, the acne, aches, and a changing body can be frustrating, even frightening, especially if kids don’t understand what is happening. Girls are going to experience changes such as menstruation, weight gain, breast growth, and widening hips. Boys are going to experience scrotum and penis growth, weight, and voice changes. Both girls and boys will experience mood changes, and physical changes such as pubic and underarm hair increased sweating and the attending body order.
As you discuss these transitions with them, make sure to emphasize that every person is different and will have their own timeline for puberty. Your child might compare themselves to others, and this can lead to low confidence or negative body image. If you teach that everyone’s bodies are different and that is a wonderful thing, they are also less likely to bully or tease others for experiencing puberty at a different time than them. Help them understand that these changes are amazing. Your openness and direct information will help them feel more in control during this process. The main message needs to be one of celebration and respect for the gift of a body.
CELEBRATE THEIR CHANGES
Puberty should be celebrated! This is a wonderful time of life when young men and women are preparing to make big life steps: forming healthy relationships and having children. They are moving toward adulthood with all of the joys, frustrations, and possibilities that brings. Shining a light on the wonderful aspects of puberty will help these children appreciate their bodies and what they are capable of. Parents who feel awkward or embarrassed inadvertently communicate that puberty, sex, and all these changes are something to fear or hide or even feel shame about (See also How to Have the Talk). So check your own attitudes and help your child embrace these incredible changes with joy!
Because this can be a time of insecurity and anxiety for adolescents, it’s a great time to bolster their confidence and create love tethers. Love tethers are conversations, activities, or little gestures that let your child know you have confidence in them. One mom would lovingly say, “You’ve got this!” Her child felt her assurance and felt empowered. Love tethers can be as simple as taking a walk and giving time to digest feelings.
There are many different cultures that create coming of age rituals to celebrate their children’s transition through puberty. From bar and bat mitzvahs to Quinceanera, families have found ways to make their child feel special during this time of life. Some families might throw a simple party for their child or even take them out to dinner. No matter what your cultural traditions are, you can create family rituals to make puberty exciting and positive for your child.
- How might you make this milestone special for your child?
- Consider celebrating the onset of puberty.
- Give additional privileges along with the required responsibilities.
- Be careful about how you talk about your body—are you critical of your weight, shape, or body function?
- Encourage positive assessment of new curves, or other changes.
- Create a tradition of your own in your family to regularly celebrate the gift of a body.
Remember this is an ongoing process. One talk is not enough to guide your child through this change. Set aside a time each month to talk about concerns, feelings, and things to look forward to. You are your child’s greatest asset in this process and they are likely waiting for your direction and reassurance so don’t be reluctant. Many parents report that puberty helped strengthen their relationship with their child because they shared personal and vulnerable feelings. Celebrate your child’s development AND create enduring love tethers!
Jenna Lawlor
Jenna M. Lawlor is a master’s student at Brigham Young University working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt on a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Her research interests include adolescent sexual health, sex education, and preventing sexual abuse. She is currently creating a mindfulness sex education intervention for middle school students to test if mindfulness can be utilized in sex education to help adolescents develop healthy sexual attitudes. She loves working with teenagers to help them see their worth and potential.
Jenna has been married to her sweetheart James for a year. Along with Oli, the sidekick Goldendoodle, their first year of marriage has consisted of lots of laughs (much of which resulted from watching Brooklyn 99), snowboarding, hiking, and camping. Jenna spends her free time writing, being outside, and volunteering for a local rape crisis center. She aspires to become a mother and Family Life Educator, both of which will fulfill her lifelong goal to help children and adolescents develop healthy and happy relationships.