Waiting to begin a sexual relationship until marriage can give sex a deep meaning,[i] making it a symbolic extension of the marital vows. However, waiting can also cause anxiety for the newlywed couple. What should they expect? Is it going to be a good experience? Is there anything they should be doing to prepare?
Unfortunately, many engaged couples’ knowledge of sex is often based on jokes, innuendos, movies, and vague analogies.[ii] These skew expectations and cause more confusion than clarity. Instead of relying on jokes and misinformation from media, couples should learn how to talk openly with each other about concerns and ideas which will help them experience increased sexual and relationship satisfaction.[iii] Practicing specific communication strategies can help couples forming their sexual relationship turn fear into excitement.
Communicate Early and Often
Sex is such an important part of committed romantic relationships that couples should communicate about it openly and often. One expert in marriage and family observed that “Parents who [freely] discuss finances, discipline, recreational activities, and so forth, often feel uncomfortable discussing this intimate subject. And they sometimes assume that their intimate relationship should just ‘naturally’ work out and that to discuss it means something has gone wrong. This is simply not true.”[iv] Healthy communication brings two completely different people into a safe place where trust and understanding can be found.
Discussing sexual topics may be new and uncomfortable for both of you, so you will need to listen to each other with love and understanding. Dr. Jeremy Boden, a specialist in premarital counseling, explains this by emphasizing the importance of communicating with what he calls “compassionate curiosity.”[v] As you show genuine interest in your partner, you will find that the conversation becomes easier and less awkward. To start, you can begin by asking yourself (and then discussing with your partner) questions such as, “Where did I first learn about sex? What sexual beliefs do I have that I’ve learned from my family, church, friends, or media? What general expectations do I have about our sexual relationship?”[vi] Additionally, talking about timing/pacing, anatomy, and potential stumbling blocks can help you prepare to have a positive experience.
Strategy #1: Talking About Timing/Pacing
As you are preparing for your wedding, it will be helpful for you to address “the wedding night.” This night is a very intimate experience for couples, especially couples who have never had sex before. Unfortunately, the expectation that you must have sex that night can put a damper on the wedding experience, as it fills your day with anxiety about what may be coming next. This anxiety is only heightened if you have never talked about it!
One of the first things you should discuss is whether you are even going to have sex that night. That’s right: you have a choice! The first time you have sex should be at a time when you are both emotionally and physically ready to have this deep, intimate, physical connection with each other. If either (or both) of you aren’t quite there yet, or you’ve had an exhausting wedding day, you should feel comfortable with the choice to wait. As Dr. Jeremy Boden has emphasized, couples should aim to begin your sexual relationship at a time when you are both ready and prepared to make that important relationship step.
Strategy #2: Learn About Anatomy – Together
A conservative sex therapist, Laura M. Brotherson, put it succinctly: “sexual knowledge is an important aspect of strengthening the sexual relationship. Sexual ignorance is not bliss.”[vii] Unfortunately, many couples are unaware of the sexual system within their own body, not to mention the body of their soon-to-be spouse. Before you decide to have sex for the first time, find time to get educated sexually by learning about the human body (both male and female), the sexual response, and the differences between men and women so you may “promote understanding and empathy for each other’s needs.” Professional premarital counseling or books that teach about sexual functioning can both be great starting points for where you can obtain the education you need. Some great starting points could be And They Were Not Ashamed,[viii] Sexual Wholeness in Marriage,[ix] What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You about Sex,[x] The Sexual Mindfulness Podcast,[xi] or visit articles on this website, such as “Sexual Anatomy 101”.[xii]
Strategy #3: How to Discuss Stumbling Blocks
Finally, it’s important for you to understand that your first sexual experience (or any time after that) will not look like it is portrayed in the movies. Having a healthy and happy sexual relationship takes work, effort, and communication from both partners. Although you’ll have to be willing to face some uncertain situations as they arise, it is also wise to plan for them in advance. Some questions that may be helpful to communicate about in advance are, “What are our expectations of what our first time should look like? What are our hopes and fears? If we do have a situation where this is uncomfortable or unpleasant, how are we going to discuss this?”[xiii] Be prepared to laugh together and have a sense of fun and humor. You will recognize that the beauty of the sexual experience is not just in you sharing your perfections, but also in accepting and loving each other’s imperfections. It is in you sharing your complete selves.
A Night to Remember
The first sexual experience for a couple has the potential to be a beautiful experience. As you approach this moment in your life, find a time to sit down with your partner and review these simple strategies and talk, talk, talk about it. As you do this, you will find that your intimacy with each other will increase, and your anxiety will decrease. This time for you will be a night to remember—in a good way!
About the Author:
Amanda is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University and will be graduating with her bachelor’s degree in psychology in April 2022. She is passionate about integrating mindfulness and healthy communication into sexual relationships and has been working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt to study these topics. Eventually, she hopes to continue studying these topics while pursuing a degree in marriage and family therapy. She has been married since August 2021 to her supportive husband. Together they enjoy playing games, watching movies, camping, and hiking.
[i] Hardy, S. A., & Willoughby, B. J. (2017). Religiosity and chastity among single young adults and married adults. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 9(3), 285–295. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/rel0000112
[ii] Clarke, Rebecca. “Talking to Engaged Children About Sex: Preparing Them for the Adventure”. Chelom Leavitt. https://www.chelomleavitt.com/talking-to-engaged-children-about-sex-preparing-them-for-the-adventure/.
[iii] Jones, A. C., Robinson, W. D., & Seedall, R. B. (2018). The role of sexual communication in couples’ sexual outcomes: A dyadic path analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 606-623. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12282
[iv] Barlow, ”They Twain Shall Be One,” Ensign, Sep. 1986, 51.
[v] Boden, Jeremy. ”Episode 12: Transition to Marriage”. The Sexual Mindfulness Project. Podcast audio, Dec 22, 2020.
[vi] Hawkins, A. & Sargent, K. P. (2022). Anxiously Engaged. Brigham Young University. https://anxiouslyengaged.byu.edu/
[vii] Brotherson, Laura M. And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Inspire Book, 2004.
[viii] Brotherson, Laura M. And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. Inspire Book, 2004.
[ix] Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages.
[x] Hughes, A. A. (2015). What Your Parents Didn’t Tell You about Sex: An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy.
[xi] Leavitt, C.E. (Host). The Sexual Mindfulness Podcast.
[xii] Clarke, R. (n.d.). Sexual anatomy 101. Chelom Leavitt. Retrieved March 23, 2022, from https://www.chelomleavitt.com/sexual-anatomy-101/
[xiii] Boden, Jeremy. “Episode 12: Transition to Marriage”. The Sexual Mindfulness Project. Podcast audio, Dec 22, 2020.
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