The 2020 Super Bowl halftime show featured athletic and provocative performances by Shakira (age 43) and Jennifer Lopez (age 50). Closeups on the singers showed off wrinkle-free faces, long, voluminous hair, and toned, shapely figures. Following the performance, commenters exchanged impressed remarks about the attractiveness of these middle-aged women. Many women fear that less youthful bodies and appearance signal an end to their desirability and sexual lives. And since very few of us will ever look like J.Lo, is all hope of a fulfilling sexual relationship gone after having kids or blowing out 50 birthday candles?
The answer is NO. Aging does bring changes, but when it comes to sex, not all of them are negative. Here are some things to know about sex and aging.
EXPAND YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX
As our bodies age, most people will experience a decline in their sexual response.[i] For women, this may mean taking longer to get fully aroused or not getting lubricated (wet) enough for sex, leading to painful intercourse. However, this decline is slower for women than men, so women’s sex life might also be affected by a partner struggling with sexual difficulties like trouble getting an erection.i Some physical concerns can be alleviated through products (like personal lubricant) or medical help, but physical changes can also inspire a couple to expand their definition of sex and explore other pleasurable, affectionate, arousing touch.
Sex therapists suggest that couples take time to re-explore each other’s bodies and sensations to keep a vibrant sexual relationship.[ii] Women can minimize anxiety and rediscover how they and their partner respond to different kinds of touch, both sexual and non-sexual.[iii] For example, one exercise directs you to be aware of your physical sensations while your partner gives you a non-sexual massage. As you do the same for your partner, you will both have the chance to rediscover sensual touch without the pressure or expectation of a sexual encounter.[iv]
Engaging in tender behaviors like kissing, cuddling, caressing, fondling, or oral sex can help maintain closeness and intimacy with a partner.[v] One study showed that 72% of women aged 75+ felt excited by exchanging caresses during foreplay.[vi] So before you give up on being physically close with your partner, take an opportunity to become more open to a variety of pleasurable experiences.
MIDLIFE IS YOUR SEXUAL PRIME
Contrary to the idea that young people have the best sex, people in their 40s and 60s have sexual advantages their younger counterparts do not. Older people tend to be less self-conscious about how they look and behave in the bedroom, allowing them to be more confident, communicative, and creative during sex.[vii] Mature people are better at asking for what they want from their partner, which benefits both spouses.[viii]
HAVING A QUALITY RELATIONSHIP AND POSITIVE ATTITUDE MATTER
Having a good relationship with your partner is more influential for your sexual desire than age or menopause.[ix] And when factoring in consistent sexual thoughts and effort, sexual quality improves with age.[x] That means you can improve your sex life by putting consistent thought and effort into it! You might try:
- Planning a regular date night to connect (this can include sex or not)
- Giving your spouse your undivided attention in conversation for ten minutes a day
- Talking with your spouse about your sex life and sexual desires
- Taking adequate time before sex to relax and mentally prepare. Set aside worries about work, family, grandchildren, etc., and be present with your partner
Women aged 50+ who consider sex to be important in their lives are less likely to have a hard time getting physically aroused or having orgasms.ix Even if you don’t have Shakira’s body, prioritizing and valuing your sexual life can heighten your sexual enjoyment.
FOCUS ON LOVE AND INTIMACY
Poor health or sexual dysfunction can mean sex is infrequent or improbable. In cases of severe health difficulties, some couples table sexual activity to preserve health.[xi] So how can these couples preserve love and closeness?
A focus on intimacy may be helpful. Levels of intimacy, those feelings of safety and acceptance in intimate moments, are not affected by age.[xii] Consider the experience of an elderly woman: “Tenderness takes over our sex life… the changes caused by diseases modify the expression of sexual acts. Desire is replaced by tenderness. Kindness and caring replace passion.i” Even when sexual activity is necessarily limited in your relationship, tenderness, kindness, and acceptance can preserve the love that passion once expressed.
You don’t need a youthful body or perfect sexual functioning to enjoy a rich, fulfilling sexual relationship with your partner. Age brings experience and wisdom to the sexual arena, allowing for creativity and exploration not possible earlier in life.x Aging can lead to higher sexual quality, a greater focus on intimacy, and a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. Forget comparing yourself to anyone else and enjoy creating intimacy in your relationship in a way that’s perfect for you.
Sally Wells Johnson is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University studying Family Life. She is training to become a certified family life educator and is driven to help everyone she meets become more of a family scholar. Sally is a satisfied wife and a proud aunt of 23 nieces and nephews.
[i] Dargis, L., Trudel, G., Cadieux, J., Villeneuve, L., Préville, M., & Boyer, R. (2012). Validation of the Female Sexual Function Index (FSFI) and presentation of norms in older women. Sexologies, 21(3), 126-131. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sexol.2012.01.002
[ii] Hughes, A. A. (2015). What your parents didn’t tell you about sex An LDS Guide to Sexual Intimacy. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform.
[iii] Busby Dean, M., Carroll Jason, S., & Leavitt Chelom. (2013). Sexual Wholeness in Marriage An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages. Brigham Distributing.
[iv] Miles, J. R.Sex Therapy With Sensate Focus: How It Works & What to Expect. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/sex-therapy-sensate-focus/
[v] Hinchliff, S., Tetley, J., Lee, D., & Nazroo, J. (2018). Older Adults’ Experiences of Sexual Difficulties: Qualitative Findings From the English Longitudinal Study on Ageing (ELSA). The Journal of Sex Research, 55(2), 152-163. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1269308
[vi] Trudel, G., Dargis, L., Villeneuve, L., Cadieux, J., Boyer, R., & Préville, M. (2014). Marital, sexual and psychological functioning of older couples living at home: The results of a national survey using longitudinal methodology (Part II). Sexologies, 23(2), e35-e48. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sexol.2013.03.007
[vii] McGowan, K. (2006). Sex Shockers | Psychology Today. psychologytoday.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200601/sex-shockers
[viii] Fisher, W. A., Donahue, K. L., Long, J. S., Heiman, J. R., Rosen, R. C., & Sand, M. S. (2015). Individual and Partner Correlates of Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Happiness in Midlife Couples: Dyadic Analysis of the International Survey of Relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 44(6), 1609-1620. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0426-8
[ix] Hayes, R. D., Dennerstein, L., Bennett, C. M., Sidat, M., Gurrin, L. C., & Fairley, C. K. (2008). Risk Factors for Female Sexual Dysfunction in the General Population: Exploring Factors Associated with Low Sexual Function and Sexual Distress. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 5(7), 1681-1693. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00838.x
[x] Forbes, M. K., Eaton, N. R., & Krueger, R. F. (2017). Sexual quality of life and aging: A prospective study of a nationally representative sample. Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 137-148. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1233315
[xi] Ševčíková, A., & Sedláková Tatiana. (2020). The Role of Sexual Activity from the Perspective of Older Adults: A Qualitative Study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 969-98 1. http://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01617-6
[xii] Kolodziejczak, K., Rosada, A., Drewelies, J., Düzel, S., Eibich, P., Tegeler, C., Wagner, G. G., Beier, K. M., Ram, N., Demuth, I., Steinhagen-Thiessen, E., & Gerstorf, D. (2019). Sexual Activity, Sexual Thoughts, and Intimacy Among Older Adults: Links With Physical Health and Psychosocial Resources for Successful Aging. Psychology and Aging, 34(3), 389-404. https://doi.org/10.1037/pag0000347