Some teenagers struggle with pornography. All too often they don’t get the family support they need to deal with it. In a few families, those who made this mistake as teenagers may feel the fallout of their pornography habit has ruined much of their adult life. Some families don’t have any idea just how bad a struggle with porn can be.
These destructive pornography habits are more common in the world now than ever before. Most parents want to be able to help their children to have a healthy relationship with sex. Research points to this reality: open, frequent communication with parents about sex is associated with delaying sex until later in life[1], avoiding teen pregnancy[2], and decreased use of sexual media.
If sexual conversation in the home is so important, parents can’t afford to delay having these conversations. Start this week!
Here are three important tips for how to go about these “sex talks.”
1. “The talk” is not singular
When my parents gave me “the talk,” I was 8 years old. As I grew older, I realized how little I knew about sex, but I didn’t really feel comfortable going to my parents with questions. Since “the talk” was so formal and singular, I didn’t feel that I could just bring it up again. If we don’t follow up with continued discussion regularly, children may feel that they can’t approach their parents with questions about sex. This may lead to adolescents who look for answers from Google or other sources. Parents must be approachable and easy to talk to if they wish to be the source their children turn to for answers.
If children feel comfortable and understood and are given developmentally appropriate guidance, they will likewise grow more comfortable turning to their parents with questions about sex. There are many resources available to help you go about this continual conversation, my favorite being the articles found right here on ChelomLeavitt.com, since they emphasize both religious values and sexual wholeness. These articles can help you (and your child!) to learn about both sex and sexual education from a religious perspective—providing an improved understanding of sex while still emphasizing the values you hold dear.
2. Focus on the positive
Be honest! Sex can be wonderful for building unity and expressing love between partners. It is sacred precisely because of how close it brings us to our spouse and to God. Remind your children that sex is powerful—and that’s why we must be so careful with it.
Use this opportunity to enforce values and principles that will make your children’s sexual relationships more fulfilling and then trust your children to “govern themselves.”[3] Research has shown that “communication of love-and-respect oriented sexual norms” is associated with less permissive sexual attitudes and reduced participation in risky sexual behavior[4]. Modern apostles have also supported this point, in the hopes that an understanding of the divine nature of sex might help us to be more intentional in when and how we engage in sexual behaviors[5]. These conversations provide parents with the opportunity to share why and how they value sex and keep it sacred. Children are more likely to adopt their parents’ values if they are communicated in a loving way.
3. Discuss, don’t lecture
Children seem to have a hard time internalizing values conveyed in lectures[6]. Having a discussion instead can help your children to understand you. Just think about it—isn’t it easier to follow along when you are part of the conversation? Doesn’t a discussion mean more to you when it is focused on your actual thoughts, feelings, and reactions, rather than just what a lecturer assumes you might be thinking?
The back-and-forth of a discussion with your child shows that you want to hear their thoughts and answer their questions just as much as you want to teach them. Offering your children your attention, respect, and trust will likewise help them to trust you, and it will help them strengthen their own skills of thinking through positive and negative consequences.
The goal with these sex talks should be to help children feel comfortable talking with their parents about their thoughts and experiences with sexuality. Provide opportunities for your children to ask questions and validate them when they do. If you don’t know the answer to their question, be honest! Get back to them when you find the answer or show them how to find answers for themselves when appropriate.
It’s all too easy for adolescents to get sucked into pornography and other unhealthy sexual behaviors, but frequent discussion in the home about the sanctity of sex can help them to develop healthier attitudes and beliefs about sex.
Jonathan is from South Jordan, Utah and is currently studying family life at Brigham Young University. He loves to learn and enjoys talking about his interests with anyone who will listen. He also loves writing poetry, playing games, watching movies, and spending time with his family.
[1] Flores, D. and Barroso, J. (2017). 21st century parent–child sex communication in the United States: A process review. The Journal of Sex Research. 54(4-5): p. 532-548. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1267693
[2] Albert, B. (2012). With one voice 2012: America’s adults and teens sound off about teen pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED472568.pdf
[3] John Taylor, “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, p. 339.
[4] Overbeek, G., van de Bongardt, D., & Baams, L. (2018). Buffer or Brake? The Role of Sexuality-Specific Parenting in Adolescents’ Sexualized Media Consumption and Sexual Development. Journal of Youth & Adolescence, 47(7), 1427–1439. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-018-0828-3
[5] Holland, Jeffery (1988) Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/souls-symbols-sacraments/
[6] Rogers, A. A., Ha, T., Stormshak, E. A., & Dishion, T. J. (2015). Quality of Parent–Adolescent conversations about sex and adolescent sexual behavior: An observational study. Journal of Adolescent Health, 57(2), 174-178. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2015.04.010