A few years ago, I lived in Kyiv, Ukraine. Once I got the kids to bed, I would work in the middle of the night to finish projects that needed quiet attention. During those nighttime hours, I was impressed by how peaceful this busy city was. Instead of the normal noise and sirens of a big city, there was silence.
When I mentioned the silence to a longtime Kyivan, they explained that at that time there was little infrastructure to support ambulances or other emergency responders. The silence wasn’t because all was well. The silence was an indicator of unattended woundedness. This city had learned to not announce its suffering with sirens because there were no resources to respond, no paramedic to mend the wounded.
Just like this big city struggled with silent suffering, sexual struggles can be embedded in a similar culture of silent suffering. We may feel there are no responders and that we are “the only one” who has this struggle. We may have questions or need help but not know where to turn. We may have bought into a culture that discourages discussing sexual struggles by labeling them as inappropriate or embarrassing topics. Some learn that sexual development, menstruation, or sexual relationships were topics to be avoided, so they learned to silently suffer as they try to navigate these topics without guidance.
Break the silence
Luckily, there are so many tools now to help individuals and couples break the silence of their marital or sexual suffering. Couples WANT to have close, healthy, relationships that meet each other’s needs, but sometimes they need a little help or encouragement. We have a few articles on communication, taking time to date, learning to sacrifice or just being patient. These articles offer guidance about important ways to open up and talk about what may be troubling your relationship.
SEXUAL MINDFULNESS IS ANOTHER POWERFUL TOOL TO BREAK THE SILENT SUFFERING OF SEXUAL STRUGGLES.
Although it seems counterintuitive to some, slowing down the arousal process and being curious instead of judgmental will actually amp up arousal.ii Research and interventions have shown repeatedly that couples and individuals can better process the physical sensations they experience when they have time to really evaluate what they’re experiencing. Beyond the physical sensation, slowing down arousal helps couples and individuals emotionally connect. Participants in a recent intervention commented, “This whole notion of the low-level sexual experiences is new to me, and I really like it. I feel like it builds trust and affection in each other.” iii
As couples are more aware of arousal and less judgmental during the sexual experience, the goal of orgasm falls away and is replaced by enjoying the current moment of connection and pleasure. Ironically, forgetting about orgasm is linked with more orgasm consistency.iv Couples can relax and just focus on the moment that is right in front of them. No need to push for heightened arousal or anxiously think about the too-often elusive orgasm or need for a hard erection. Instead, notice the touch of your partner‘s hand, smell your partner’s neck, take a breath and relax as you are notice how to be present in your body and with your partner.
The good and bad of routines
As couples are mindful during sex, they may become less tied to a routine and instead feel curious about untapped emotion. They may find space to talk about fantasies or a new position they wanted to try.v They may also develop the courage to share deeper fears or dreams. As couples share more of themselves, they create intimacy. Breaking routines can help us see sex in a new way.
However, routines aren’t all bad. When life is busy, we may need to schedule in sex. Work, kids, and daily life can crowd out the quiet times needed to reconnect. Schedule in a little “quiet couple meditation” that provides time for the two of you to be attentive to each other’s mind and body.
Create greater intimacy
Intimacy is created when we share new thoughts, interests, or experiences with each vi other. When things get a little stale, some couples complain they’re bored or are losing interest in the relationship. However, this is the opportunity to lean on the stability of the relationship and venture into new areas of each other’s emotions, ambitions, heartache, or struggles—instead of going silent. The familiarity of the relationship does not need to tie the relationship down, instead it can be the safety net that allows us to explore without fear.vii It is the decision to dive deeper that separates the relational flatliners from the passionate lovers. Sexual mindfulness helps couples explore this newness in sexuality.
Like Kyiv, some couples don’t have the infrastructure to respond quickly or effectively to problems. They suffer in silence. Sexual mindfulness provides one effective way to begin to mend the woundedness of a disconnected relationship. Speak up skillfully. Become a more skilled responder by being still for a few minutes each day. Listen. Breathe. Let the noise of your mind fade away. Let this internal quiet renew your resolve to speak up. Talk to your partner about your sexual needs and the emotions that accompany these needs.
Slowing your thoughts and paying attention to each moment of arousal will help you clearly identify what needs to change. There is no need to suffer in silence. Professional help may be needed for some couples, but for the majority of couples, we can be our own emergency responders by employing the simple skills of sexual mindfulness.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.