One afternoon I found myself driving in an unfamiliar part of the city, completely turned around and flustered, when a middle-aged blonde woman generously waved me through an intersection. She was kind about the mess I caused and even smiled despite the inconvenience I caused her. I pulled through, waving back to acknowledge her kindness. And then I started to cry. It had been a day. I felt small, discouraged, and was struggling to keep it together. Instead of the reaction I had expected: a stranger scolding me or throwing their arms up in disgust at my mistake, she responded with generosity. That small act of kindness healed a little portion of my brokenness.
We’ve all taken a turn at being the not-so-nice person and we’ve also been the friendly waving one. There’s an impact for each decision.
In our most intimate relationship, we can also see the impact of our generous or judgmental choices. When we feel small, discouraged, or struggle to function well, we can let that spill over into how we connect (or disconnect) with our partner. This spillover is something that’s well-researched[i] and we know that letting negative emotions prevail can create a confusing environment for us and our spouse. Research also shows that mindful couples are less likely to let negative experiences spill over into their relationship.[ii] Back to the generous driver: She had a choice, and she chose kindness over negativity. Because she did so, she was more likely to take kindness rather than negativity home with her and into her other relationships.
Emotional spillover can also impact our sexual relationship by bringing anxiety, frustration, and discouragement from our day into the relationship. A friend of mine is a lawyer and realized that she was picking a silly fight with her husband each night. She slowed down a minute to think about why and realized a difficult case was taking a toll on her mind. She felt safe with her husband and unwittingly picked a fight to release some of the sorrow she felt from such an emotionally heavy case. One way we can be more mindful in sex is to practice identifying a thought or feeling—even a thought or feeling that might have arisen from a different part of our day or experience–and then just sit with it. How does that look? Notice the thought. Don’t judge it. Acknowledge it and the feelings it brings up. As you sit with it, allow yourself to be curious about the origins of the thought or feeling. Throughout this process, recognize that this thought or feeling WILL subside. It does not define you. You are not the thought or the feeling. The thought or feeling is just a guest that is passing through. You can be gracious and patient as it visits and then moves along. Rest assured, it WILL subside.
Emotions are just chemical messengers that signal organs in our bodies to be alerted to something.[iii] When epinephrine or adrenaline kicks in, we feel angry; when dopamine rises, we feel happy. [iv] But we all know from experience these feelings are never permanent. So, in the meantime, breathe. Sexual arousal requires a host of hormones such as testosterone, oxytocin, endorphins, and prolactin.[v] When arousal triggers anxiety (cortisol), breathing is a proven method to restore balance.[vi] Regain equilibrium by simply focusing on our breath as these emotions pass through us.
Even if you haven’t had a trying day, sex can bring up some difficult emotions. Maybe there is a lingering unresolved conflict. Maybe you feel a little self-conscious about your body and being naked feels uncomfortable. No matter the reason, slow down and pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that arise. If there are big issues in your relationship that need resolution, address them, because sex isn’t a band-aid for a poor relationship. If you’re self-conscious about your body practice some compassion and self-love. We don’t have to have a perfect body (whatever that is) to experience a meaningful sexual relationship. Talk with your partner about your insecurity, then practice letting it go. Being mindful during sex definitely takes practice and a good place to start is with your breath. Next time you’re angry or anxious, take 60 seconds to breathe. Be kind to yourself and notice that a little act of kindness can really turn things around. In a sense, wave your negative, messy thoughts right through the intersection, without getting upset or frustrated.
Singer Rob Ricardo has a song Let it Breathe and one line says, “Take it all in, let it all out.” This is the essence of mindfulness. Be aware. Be attentive. Take it all in. Let go of judgment and evaluate with more kindness and compassion. Let it all out. Start being more aware and less judgmental with your own arousal and then include your partner. Notice the arousal. Notice the touch. How does it feel when you slow down the pace of sex? Do you notice more detail? Does it feel awkward? Might we rush sex as a coping method to not feel too much connection? Research shows that couples who are more mindful are also more in sync with each other’s arousal patterns.[vii]
When you feel heightened emotion or distracting thoughts, breathe. Slow down. Notice how your body responds to your focus on breath. Breath is our anchor. Always come back to breath. Allow this calm to permeate your sexual experience. Breathe during arousal. Notice how your body responds to a focus on your breath. You may even feel more sensation. Slowing down, focusing on breath during sex creates connection and sexual passion. Be like the kind woman who waves you through the chaotic day. Notice how making small compassionate choices for yourself, and your partner, taking it all in, might help you let it all go and find greater enjoyment in your sexual experience.
[i] Bakker, A. B., Demerouti, E., & Burke, R. (2009). Workaholism and relationship quality: A spillover-crossover perspective. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 14(1), 23.
[ii] Montes-Maroto, G., Rodríguez-Muñoz, A., Antino, M., & Gil, F. (2018). Mindfulness beyond the individual: Spillover and crossover effects in working couples. Mindfulness, 9(4), 1258-1267.
[iii] https://www.news-medical.net/health/What-are-Hormones.aspx
[iv] https://socalbhrt.com/anxiety-and-panic-disorders/
[v] Bancroft, J. (2005). The endocrinology of sexual arousal. Journal of Endocrinology, 186(3), 411-427.
[vi] Black, D. S., Peng, C., Sleight, A. G., Nguyen, N., Lenz, H. J., & Figueiredo, J. C. (2017). Mindfulness practice reduces cortisol blunting during chemotherapy: A randomized controlled study of colorectal cancer patients. Cancer, 123(16), 3088-3096.
[vii] Busby, D. M., Leonhardt, N. D., Hanna-Walker, V., & Leavitt, C. E. (2021). Putting the Dyad into the Sexual Response Discussion: A Latent Class Analysis Using Ratings of Self and Partner. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-17.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.