Sexual Passion Styles: Making it Sizzle

The term passion might immediately bring to mind the cover of a steamy romance novel, where clothes are barely clinging to two physically flawless lovers locked in an embrace. But when we broaden our scope a bit, we think of other meanings of passion, too. The runner who is passionate enough to get out of bed early to get those miles in, the passionate cook who loses all track of time while perusing recipes, the passionate teacher who seems constantly tuned in to finding the best methods to use in the classroom.

Passion is defined as a strong desire or devotion toward an activity, object, or concept.[i] When someone is passionate about an activity, they experience a positive and strong emotional connection towards it, find it significantly rewarding, and invest substantial effort, time, and energy in pursuing it.[ii]

Considering what you are passionate about in your life can provide a template for developing healthy sexual passion. Are you a runner? A reader? An artist? A skier? Does your passion meet some of the following criteria?

• Having a healthy passion for something means that you can fail at something and not be tempted to quit it forever. Instead, you accept periodic failure as a stepping stone to doing it better next time.
• When you are engaged in your passion activity, time is not always at the front of your mind. Instead, you often find yourself immersed in the moment.
• When you are passionate about something, you identify with that activity, and it becomes a part of who you are (for example, you might say “I am a runner,” or “I am a cook”). The sense of control around your passion comes from inside instead of being imposed on you from the outside.
• Being passionate about something does not mean you are perfect at your passion—but it does mean that you are invested in it, want to work at it, and it brings you joy.

SEXUAL PASSION STYLES

Not everyone in a sexual relationship will automatically develop a passion for sex, but for those who do, researchers have identified three different sexual passion styles. [iii] See if one of these sexual passion styles might describe you.

Harmonious sexual passion is an adaptive, healthy approach to a sexual relationship. Someone who has harmonious sexual passion will identify with the fact that they are a sexual being. They’ve taken responsibility for their sexuality, and view it as something that they choose instead of something that is controlled by external forces. Sex is in balance with the rest of life. Sex is seen as something that can be improved upon, is enjoyable, and is an important element of life. Harmonious sexual passion is the sexual passion style we want to aim for, because it’s the passion style most strongly associated with positive sexual and relationship outcomes.

Obsessive sexual passion is still passion toward sex, but this style is not as healthy as harmonious sexual passion. When sexual passion is obsessive, it can feel like sex is controlling the person rather than the other way around. Someone with an obsessive passion style might have difficulty with sexual self-control or be consumed by sexual interests. An obsessive sexual passion style is related to sexual and relationship conflict.

Inhibited sexual passion is also a way to be passionate about sex, but it’s also less healthy than harmonious passion. In this style there’s a general reluctance or hesitance to act on sexual impulses with a spouse. Those with an inhibited sense of sexual passion have a sense that they are not in control of their sexuality, and don’t really identify themselves as a “sexual being.” They might want to be sexual, but feel tentative about expressing their sexuality. Inhibited individuals may tamp down sexual thoughts or desires that could strengthen their relationship. Inhibited sexual passion is related to lower relationship and sexual satisfaction than for those who possess a harmonious passion style.

Second, start to view yourself as a sexual being. Internalize the fact that you are responsible for your sexuality—that your sexuality is yours. It is not something that is external to you or that anyone else gets to define, rather, it is an important part of who you are.

Third, practice your passion. Understand that a sexual relationship generally becomes more satisfying when there’s thought put into it, and where there is a mindset toward growth and health. You have the power to create a healthy sense of harmonious sexual passion in your life.

QUESTIONS FOR PERSONAL THOUGHT OR COUPLE DISCUSSION:

1. How would I best describe my sexual passion style? Harmonious? Obsessive? Inhibited?
2. How have I created this sexual passion style for myself?
3. What might I do to more fully embrace my sexuality as a part of my identity?
4. Because developing a passion for any activity takes work, what elements of my sexuality might I work on to increase my sense of harmonious sexual passion?
5. What are the ways that my sexuality brings me joy?

[i] Merriam-Webster online. “Passion.” Accessed Dec. 12, 2019.

[ii] Vallerand, R. J. (2008). On the psychology of passion. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie Canadienne, 49, 1-13.

[iii] Busby, D. M., Chiu, H., Leonhardt, N. D., and Iliff, E. (2018). Sexual passion in committed relationships: Measurement and conceptual issues. Family Process, pp. 1- 15.