We’ve all heard the saying “Communication is key.” I heard about the importance of communication over and over leading up to my wedding day. Every piece of marriage advice involved communication, communication, communication.
Communication is important, but what happens when you don’t know how to talk about certain topics? One topic I struggled to talk about with my partner about is pornography. The topic of porn can bring up feelings of betrayal, anxiety, and despair. It can also be tough because most of us haven’t been given the tools to properly communicate about it.
If you feel this way, read on. Research shows that couples who have one partner consuming pornography are likely to also report worse sexual communication than porn-free couples.1,2 If one partner in your relationship has or does consume porn, sexual communication surrounding pornography can feel like a sensitive issue, but it’s not impossible.
Here are four easy tips that I have learned in my marriage to aid your communication process
1. Spend time evaluating your own meanings of sexuality
Research shows that our implicit and explicit (conscious and subconscious) attitudes about sex inform sexual desires and sexual actions.3 Analyze your beliefs about sex. Does the topic fill you with anxiety or calm? Would you evaluate your attitudes as positive or negative toward sex?
Was pornography a topic shrouded in shame throughout your life or was it a topic that was frankly addressed?
While porn is generally not helpful in a committed relationship, learning to comfortably address the reality of porn and its reach is a critical skill for marriage and parenting.
For example, if you were taught in a young men’s lesson that no woman will ever want to marry you if you look at pornography, what feelings does that bring up? This harmful message often drives people to hide their porn use, which can exacerbate the problem and create barriers in relationships.
Your feelings about these things have a lot to do with your belief systems. Belief systems develop over time and are intrinsic, meaning they become almost second nature. We may not even notice them at first. Give yourself space and time to weed these attitudes out of your thought process.
Research is clear that journaling about our emotions and cognitive processing can be helpful.4 We learn to identify and manage our emotions as we journal.
If you feel comfortable, practice active listening with your partner. Take turns listening without judgment or interruption. If you feel emotionally overwhelmed, research suggests drinking cold water and pausing the discussion, as it can help regulate emotions and alleviate negative emotional states.5
Be honest. Be patient. And most importantly, show love for your partner.
2. Once you both understand and have evaluated your beliefs about sexuality, ask each other questions.
The next step requires self-disclosure and vulnerability. Self-disclosure has been shown to be an important factor for support, satisfaction, and intimacy in a relationship.6 Once the relationship is filled with trust and vulnerability, ask each other questions and then listen to understand.
My partner and I spent time disclosing experiences, asking questions, and being completely open and honest with each other. We created a space where we both felt completely safe, being totally open with each other. This will likely take multiple conversations (both long and short) and span many months.
Communication can only flourish when the non-disclosing partner is accepting, warm, and helps the disclosing partner feel understood, validated, and cared for.2 Hostility, rejection, and negativity destroy a sense of safety and may close off the conversation. If needed, practice nonjudgmental listening using a different topic first, or you can go to couples therapy where the therapist can act as a moderator. Give your partner the space to tell everything they want to, then reverse roles. Being vulnerable with each other creates deeper intimacy.
3. Evaluate how you want to move forward. Create steps for how to communicate about sexual topics in the future and stick to it.
After you have opened yourself up to the pornography conversation, make rules around how you will continue this conversation or other topics surrounding sexuality. Researchers have found that honesty both about pornography and other areas leads to better relationship satisfaction and less distress.7 Conversations surrounding sex and pornography are not one-and-done. They are perpetual conversations. Will you check in once a week? Once a month?
There are many ways to go about this step and ultimately it is up to you and your partner. You get to decide what works best for you.
4. Love unconditionally and seek therapy when needed.
Most importantly, love and trust are the foundation of your partnership. Couples can create a positive feedback loop because love and trust are the foundation of a better relationship, which leads to better communication.8 Every action either builds or erodes trust between each other.
Don’t hesitate to get some professional help. Therapy is an amazing resource that can get the ball rolling in a positive direction and avoid the feeling of being stuck. Seeking therapeutic help is an act of love.
Communication about pornography (or any other sexual topic) does not need to be scary or shameful. In fact, it can become empowering, because you are choosing not to hide from each other. You can create a safe space in your partnership without judgment or fear of guilt or shame. It takes time and work, but your relationship will become fulfilled and fuller because of it.
Caitlin is an undergraduate studying psychology and family life. She enjoys researching various topics and is excited for her future endeavors pursuing further education. In her free time, she enjoys crocheting, backpacking, camping, and reading.
[2] Kohut, T., Balzarini, R. N., Fisher, W. A., & Campbell, L. (2018). Pornography’s associations with open sexual communication and relationship closeness vary as a function of dyadic patterns of pornography use within heterosexual relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 655-676. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743096
[3] Dosch, A., Belayachi, S., & Van der Linden, M. (2016). Implicit and explicit sexual attitudes: How are they related to sexual desire and sexual satisfaction in men and women? The Journal of Sex Research, 53(2), 251-264. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2014.1003361
[4] Ullrich, P. M., & Lutgendorf, S. K. (2002). Journaling about stressful events: Effects of cognitive processing and emotional expression. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 24(3), 244-250. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15324796ABM2403_10
[5] Rotman, J. D., Lee, S. H. (., & Perkins, A. W. (2017). The warmth of our regrets: Managing regret through physiological regulation and consumption. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 27(2), 160-170. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcps.2016.08.008
[6] Çağ, P., & Yıldırım, İ. (2018). The mediator role of spousal self-disclosure in the relationship between marital satisfaction and spousal support. Educational Sciences: Theory & Practice, 18(3)
[7] Resch, M. N., & Alderson, K. G. (2014). Female partners of men who use pornography: Are honesty and mutual use associated with relationship satisfaction? Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(5), 410-424. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751077
[8] Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does couples’ communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication? Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 680-694. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12301