A woman and her fiancé who were reserving sex for marriage were relieved and excited when her OB-GYN invited them both to a premarital counseling appointment. They had lots of questions about what to expect, and wanted to know how to start their sexual relationship off on the right foot. Imagine their dismay when the doctor launched in to an extended metaphor about women being more like “violins” and men more like “fiddles” in the bedroom, and then promptly ended the appointment. Using metaphors for something as deeply meaningful as sex is never a good idea. We need to talk plainly and openly when teaching children about sex. There is no time more critical for clear communication than before your child embarks on this beautiful adventure with their new spouse.
Waiting until marriage to begin a sexual relationship makes a lot of sense. And if you have a good relationship with your children, you can give them the wonderful gift of additional clear, timely guidance before they walk down the aisle. If possible, talk to both your child and their fiancé together, but let your child determine the configuration of the conversation—doing whatever is most comfortable for them. It might even be best to have a trusted married sibling talk to the couple instead of parents if there’s not a comfortable history surrounding talking about sex. [i]
NO “TEST DRIVE” NEEDED
Along with the excitement surrounding the beginning of a sexual relationship, there’s bound to be some anxiety wrapped up in it. You might be able quell some of this anxiety by assuring your child that no “test drive” is needed in terms of sex. In fact, waiting until marriage to have sex can make for better sex and happier marriages. One reason waiting until marriage may be so important is that the couple deepens their emotional connections and develops a stronger friendship, before making that friendship a sexual relationship.[ii]
Research shows over and over that the stability of a friendship within marriage helps couples overcome the changes in marriage that are inevitable—health issues, changes in jobs, aging, children, and conflict. If you first focus on sharing ideas, beliefs, friendship, and you learn to show restraint, then sharing your bodies with each other will be a natural outgrowth of a healthy, strong relationship. There are certain practicalities that you can help your child consider beforehand.
PRACTICALITIES
Your child can decide with their partner what to do about birth control well in advance of their wedding. Choosing not to use birth control is also a choice. All forms of birth control have pros and cons, and scheduling a physical exam with a healthcare professional is advisable. In this exam they can check for any abnormalities that may make sex painful and help alleviate any other concerns about the physical side of sexual intercourse.
Another practicality to consider is how exhausted the couple might be at the end of a long day that includes a wedding breakfast, wedding ceremony, and hours’ long reception. Help your child think through the reality that the throes of exhaustion might not make for the best launchpad into the throes of passion. There are lots of ways to work around this, and as the old saying goes, “The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is all in the planning.”
What else might be planned in advance to allow for a couple to more freely focus on beginning their sexual relationship together? Could the reception be on a different day than the wedding ceremony itself? Might the extravagant honeymoon trip be reserved for the first anniversary, when the wonder of Paris isn’t competing with the wonder of discovering each other’s body? Even though it might be a hard sell, let your child know that waiting to begin their sexual relationship on the day after their wedding is a possibility if they want to begin their sexual relationship physically refreshed and with energy. There is so much to explore within a sexual relationship—it does not all need to happen on the wedding night! The point is to think about in advance any practical plans that will help make the beginning of their sexual relationship not an ordeal, but an adventure.
NUTS AND BOLTS
Scholars make three suggestions for couples beginning their sexual relationship:
- Take it as slow as you need to.
- Take it as slow as your partner needs to.
- Focus on your spouse’s satisfaction and pleasure—where that doesn’t interfere with the first or second suggestion. [i]
These suggestions create a nice framework for a premarital sex discussion with a soon-to-be-wed child. In terms of “take it as slow as you need to,” teach the couple how sexual enjoyment typically works for women and men, including the fact that it typically takes females longer to reach climax than males. Make sure your child has a basic understanding of the anatomy of both genders. They should already know from previous conversations that when a man is aroused he gets an erection, and when he orgasms he ejaculates and fluid is released. Let the couple know about the important role of the clitoris in female sexual stimulation, that most women orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and not from intercourse itself, and that light and continuous touch with lubricant are useful in helping clitoral stimulation feel enjoyable. Help them understand that natural lubrication is sometimes not sufficient for women, and that lubricant can also reduce some of the possible pain of intercourse. Help them understand that water is not a lubricant—so the daydream about having sex in the shower might best be saved for a bit later in the sexual relationship. Remind your child: Take it as slow as you need to.
Which leads to considering one of the main features of creating a sexual relationship together: managing different sexual pacing (as evidenced by suggestions one and two). There should not be pressure to orgasm together, or to make orgasm the marker of success or failure. One way to resolve the different pacing is the “ladies first” timing, allowing the woman to slow sex down to her pace. There are advantages to this, since research shows that slow sex is better sex for both men and women. Another way to resolve a difference in pace is to have the man reach orgasm relatively quickly during foreplay, and then let him use the calmer moments of his refractory period (a period that lasts about 30 minutes in younger men, in which men cannot become sexually aroused) to slow his pace to more closely focus on and match his wife’s arousal. He will likely be ready to go again by the time she is.
INSECURITIES
There is a blend of excitement and worry about being seen and seeing each other naked for the first time. Assure your child that their fiancé is attracted to them as a whole person and, although there will automatically be a focus on the physical in the beginning of the sexual relationship, it’s going to be unproductive to worry about weight loss or other issues of physical appearance. In terms of how the grand unveiling will go, there’s no need to go for glamorous. Just keep focusing on suggestion three, which is to create intimacy through satisfaction and pleasure. Ideally, these insecurities can be calmed as the couple reflects on their friendship and the ways that they have developed a safe relationship that reassures one another and does not create unhealthy attitudes. Hopefully, they can openly communicate their fears to one another and alleviate most of these struggles.
SEXUAL MEANINGS
We can’t help but imagine what sex will look like before we have it ourselves. Let your child know that the beginning of a sexual relationship is not the time to focus on sexual performance, or trying to match an unrealistic media portrayal, but rather to focus on the suggestions above: take it slow, match the pace to the person who needs more time, and share the process. Together find a pace that allows for learning, sharing, growth—and most of all fun. Help your child know, too, that sex changes over time. Sex will keep getting better and better as they learn and grow together.
Regarding sexual meanings, some people have a hard time “flipping the sexual switch” from a No! No! No! mindset to a Go! Go! Go! mindset simply by saying “I do.” Prior sexual meanings—including those that result from abuse or guilt—might arise uninvited in a new sexual relationship. Getting help where needed, talking openly with your spouse, being sexually mindful, and realizing that sex will take the meaning you give it are all important factors to making sex a powerful bonding experience.
SEXUAL WHOLENESS
Beginning a sexual relationship together is just that: a beginning. We want sexual wholeness for our children in their marriages, and that means working on creating a healthy relationship and a healthy sense of sexuality. You can teach your children that in sex, we can truly create something that wasn’t there before when the interaction is handled in a loving way. Sexual pacing, sexual desire, sexual arousal, all of those things will be unique to your and their spouse, and they have a lifetime to discover those things and help them grow. For parents, having an in-depth conversation with your child about beginning a married sexual relationship can be one of the best gifts you give them, helping them to make it an adventure!
[i] Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages.
[ii]Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Willoughby, B. J. (2010). Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(6), 766.
Rebecca Clarke
Rebecca W. Clarke is a PhD student at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research focus is religion and sexuality, and she is currently working on papers dealing with sexual sanctification, sexual flourishing, and religiosity. Rebecca has been married to Sam Clarke for 24 years and they have four children.