Teaching teenagers about sex can seem like a daunting task. Whether parents have taught their kids anatomically correct terms throughout their life and laid a foundation for healthy and natural conversations about sex, or have yet to give them “the talk,” it can sometimes be difficult to know how to start the conversation. It is easier to teach the subject with teens if they have been prepared with frequent talks about sex, but as we have said before and will say again, it is never too late for parents to talk to their kids about sex.
I remember when I was 13 years old, I came home from school with a paper assigned by my health teacher outlining what my parents should teach me about sex. The next thing I knew, my aunt was at our house filling out the paper with me. I honestly do not remember what we talked about that day but I remember thinking, “Why aren’t my parents talking about this with me?” That experience made me feel like sex was something to be embarrassed about because my own parents wouldn’t talk to me about it.
I respect my aunt and was grateful for her willingness to talk with me, but I wanted to have that conversation with my parents. Many teenagers feel the same way. In one study where teenagers were interviewed around the United States, it was found that when parents were open and honest about sex, teens were more likely to delay sexual activity and avoid teen pregnancy.[i] Teens may give the impression that they do not value their parents’ advice, but research shows the opposite. Although friends and media can play a large role in the information teens learn about sex, teens say that parents actually have the greatest influence on their decisions regarding sexual behavior.[ii]
OVERCOMING ANXIETY
If teens are wanting to discuss these topics with their parents, what is stopping these conversations from happening? Discussions about topics relating to sex can bring up anxiety and embarrassment for both parents and teens, which might lead to avoiding the topic. Surprisingly, the fears that parents and teenagers feel about discussing sex are often the same. Parents might fear not having the answers to their children’s questions, while teens worry they do not have the right terminology to ask their questions.[iii]
Both parents and teens report fear of rejection when discussing sex. They worry about sounding stupid, being criticized, or saying something to cause embarrassment.[iv] The truth is, both parents and teenagers experience feelings of shame, embarrassment, and fear surrounding the topic of sex.[v] The positive aspect of this similarity in feelings between parents and teens is that they both want to talk to each other. Realizing that parents and teens have similar fears can encourage parents to look past their own anxiety surrounding the subject and actively create a safe and comfortable environment to discuss the meaning of and questions about sex.
SHARING YOUR VALUES
Not only does a comfortable environment help teens learn about sex, but openly sharing values creates a non-judgmental environment. When parents tell their teen the meaning that sex holds for themselves or why they value certain boundaries regarding sex, parents are inviting their child to create their own values regarding sexual behavior. Teens are more likely to adopt their parent’s values when they share those values openly and often.[vi]
HOW TO DISCUSS SEXUAL TOPICS
For parents to have the best outcomes when they educate their children about sex, they need to educate themselves first. Gathering knowledge about different topics such as puberty, menstruation, masturbation, contraceptives, and healthy relationships set parents up for success when their child comes to them with questions. When parents have accurate information, they will be able to more confidently approach those discussions with their teenagers.
Teens are at a stage in their life where they are more curious about expressing their sexuality and understanding their sexual nature. Even if parents want to encourage abstinence, teenagers need to have all of the information to make safe decisions regarding sex. Discussions about how to use condoms, the effectiveness of contraceptives, and the value of high-quality romantic relationships increase adolescents’ chances of making safe choices.[vii]
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTS:
- Find opportunities in everyday life to have these discussions with your teen.
- Be confident when you have the knowledge, but don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” and do some research so you can give them accurate information.
- Do not shame your teen about questions they ask or things they share with you during these discussions.
- Show your teen through your own actions what your values are.
The most important thing parents can do as their teenagers go through this critical stage of development is to show them constant love and acceptance. Teenagers will know that their parents care about their sexual health and well-being by being willing to have honest discussions about sex. Despite the eye rolls and slammed doors, teenagers are seeking a trusted source to give them accurate information—and research shows they want that source to be you.
[1] Albert, B. (2012). With one voice 2012: America’s adults and teens sound off about teen pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy https://success1st.org/uploads/3/4/5/1/34510348/wov_2012.pdf
[2] Jaccard, J., Dodge, T., Dittus, P. (2002). Parent-adolescent communication about sex and birth control: A conceptual framework. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 97, 9‒41.
[3] Ashcraft, A. M., & Murray, P. J. (2017). Talking to Parents About Adolescent Sexuality. Pediatric clinics of North America, 64(2), 305–320. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pcl.2016.11.002
[4] Ashcraft, A. M., & Murray, P. J. (2017). Talking to parents about adolescent sexuality. Pediatric clinics of North America, 64(2), 305–320. doi:10.1016/j.pcl.2016.11.002
[5] Ashcraft, A. M., & Murray, P. J. (2017). Talking to parents about adolescent sexuality. Pediatric clinics of North America, 64(2), 305–320. doi:10.1016/j.pcl.2016.11.002
[6] Albert, B. (2012). With one voice 2012: America’s adults and teens sound off about teen pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy https://success1st.org/uploads/3/4/5/1/34510348/wov_2012.pdf
[7] Widman, L., Choukas-Bradley, S., Noar, S. M., Nesi, J., Garrett, K. (2016). Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behavior: A meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 170(1), 52–61. doi: 10.1001/jamapediatrics.2015.2731
Commendador, K.A. (2010). Parental influences on adolescent decision making and contraceptive use. Pediatric Nursing, 36(3), 147–156, 170.
Jenna Lawlor
Jenna M. Lawlor is a master’s student at Brigham Young University working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt on a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Her research interests include adolescent sexual health, sex education, and preventing sexual abuse. She is currently creating a mindfulness sex education intervention for middle school students to test if mindfulness can be utilized in sex education to help adolescents develop healthy sexual attitudes. She loves working with teenagers to help them see their worth and potential.
Jenna has been married to her sweetheart James for a year. Along with Oli, the sidekick Goldendoodle, their first year of marriage has consisted of lots of laughs (much of which resulted from watching Brooklyn 99), snowboarding, hiking, and camping. Jenna spends her free time writing, being outside, and volunteering for a local rape crisis center. She aspires to become a mother and Family Life Educator, both of which will fulfill her lifelong goal to help children and adolescents develop healthy and happy relationships.