If 80% of sex occurs in our brain as some report, then if we rethink how we approach sex, we may improve it in some amazing and new ways. For example, why not take more time to prepare our brain for sex? And if it truly is a case of mind over matter, how might we free ourselves up to focus on the things that matter most in great sex?
What are your attitudes and assumptions about sex? If you feel comfortable and empowered in sex, that wonderful! However you may still need to prepare your mind to really take advantage of the experience. If, on the other hand, you are uncomfortable with your own sexuality or don’t have healthy attitudes towards sex, if you feel dominated or the need to dominate, you might need even more preparation to really be ready for a great sexual experience.
WHAT HEALTHY SEX IS—AND ISN’T
Healthy sex is a consensual giving and sharing of your body with someone you trust, love, and feel committed to. But we are often given “advice” in popular media sources about having great sex that paints a distorted picture.
Dr. Charles Wampold 1 compiled a fascinating list of the most common themes found in popular magazines about how to improve your sex life. The following were the most common things readers were told to focus on:
- Technical/mechanical factors (like sexual techniques)
- Variety (such as incorporating several sexual positions, sex toys)
- Relationship factors
- Personal psychological factors (things like lack of distraction by household or job concerns)
- Pre-sex preparation (personal grooming, creating a romantic atmosphere, or choosing a romantic setting)
With the exception of relationship factors, research suggests these themes are just not that important or helpful. In order to study whether tabloid tips and tricks like this really make a difference in the bedroom, Peggy Kleinplatz, PhD, researched couples who enjoyed full and satisfying sex lives. Kleinplatz searched for what things create super sex, and found that the following were the most important things that people reported for creating the best sex.2
EIGHT MAJOR CONTRIBUTORS TO GREAT SEX MADE THE LIST:
- Being present, focused, and embodied
- Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync
- Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
- Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
- Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
- Transcendence, bliss, peace, healing
- Exploration, fun
- Vulnerability and surrender
Isn’t it amazing that nearly none of the items on the list included what the top items are in the supermarket tabloids?
People in the Kleinplatz study gave a few other minor considerations for having great sex:
- Intense physical sensation, orgasm
- Lust, desire, chemistry, attraction
It’s interesting that so much of what we focus on is the minor considerations and not the major ones. The first eight items are things we have control over. We can give attention to improving these great sex contributors. The minor considerations we have less control over, but they’re minor. So how can we learn from these studies?
One major contributor to nearly all of the list of eight is our MIND.
PREPARING YOUR MIND
Some of us struggle to stay focused for 90 seconds, so concentrating our mind on thoughts, feelings, and sensations for a much longer period of time seems daunting or even impossible. How do we prepare our mind for sex? This is probably best done initially as an individual. There’s no need for partner buy-in. We can independently take charge of our minds. No fancy self-help book needed. No tools or toys needed. No hours of sex therapy required.
Begin by acknowledging that our mind creates the environment for intimacy, authentic communication, and transparency. With a little practice we can begin to be more present in our body, more empathetic with our partner, less filled with anxiety, and experience more safety in vulnerability.
Step 1: Find a place to be quiet and just breathe for a minute.
Step 2: Notice your breath and how you feel as you breathe in (expanding, full, nourished) and breathe out (relaxed, cleansed, ready to receive). Repeat this 20–30 times.
Step 3: Gently talk to yourself. What do you commonly feel about sex? How can you authentically approach sex with more emotional intimacy? Do you speak up about your needs or concerns? Do you express yourself fully without filters? If there is one place where we might be able to truly be authentic, it should be with a loving partner as we merge our bodies and share love. Is that happening for you?
Step 4: Repeat this as often as possible. Be a good friend to yourself. Ponder what your ultimate desire is. For example, do you want to feel intimate connection, to have consistent orgasms, to have fun and relax? When focusing on your breath seems hard to maintain, take break, then come back and try once more.
Once you feel some mastery with your own connection to your body through breath, encourage your partner to slow down and breathe too. New research indicates being attuned to your body during sex may be the key to improving the experience.3 Women, in particular, need to take time to become attuned to their bodies. Women sometimes feel disconnected from their bodies and consequently they don’t register arousal and pleasure as much. Avoid that disconnection by taking regular opportunities to stay tuned in to how/what/why/when you feel certain emotions and then address those emotions internally and with your partner.
Whenever I teach this idea of addressing emotions immediately when they arise, someone will raise their hand and complain that sharing emotions during sex would ruin the experience. My response is that it may subdue, or even slow down, that experience, but a pattern of honoring our emotions and staying connected to our body and mind will ultimately create deeper intimacy and thereby, better sex.
Our interactions and communications within our intimate relationships are always playing a part in our sexual relationship. Be attuned to your body, your mind, your partner, and your relationship.
TWO DISCUSSION POINTS FOR YOU AND YOUR PARTNER:
- There are many ways to work for emotional intimacy. What are some of those ways that you can think of?
- Try making a plan to breath together as a couple. Embrace each other and breathe for 5–10 minutes. How do you feel when you are in close contact like this with your partner? After your breathing exercise, put your heads together with forehead on forehead and talk about how you felt during the breathing exercise.
Giving your partner your complete presence is pretty sexy. Being vulnerable is pretty sexy. Allowing your partner to see something that you are afraid to confront (within yourself or your relationship) builds emotional integrity, strengthens the relationship, and pumps up the intimacy between partners. Getting to know your brain is getting to know one of your most powerful sexual organs. You can then use your brain to improve your relationship and your sexual experiences.
Footnotes
- Wampold, C. H. (2014). The components of great sex: Sexuality education for people who desire to scale the heights of optimal sexuality.American Journal of Sexuality Education,9(2), 219-228.
- Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality:A portrait of “great sex”.Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality,18(1-2), 1-13.
- Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual, relational, and individual wellbeing. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45, 497-509.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.