When my oldest daughter was three, she came up to me while I was sitting at our kitchen counter and made an announcement using her little Fisher-Price microphone on its highest setting. “Mom. Sometimes when big people don’t listen to little kids, little kids have to talk on microphones.” My daughter had attempted to find a way to get me to listen to her by literally turning up the volume for me. And at the same time, she reminded me that not being listened to is not much fun.
We’ve all had that sinking experience of telling a great story, and then right in the middle of it, the other person cuts you off. Or maybe you’ve come to the realization that if you stopped mid-sentence in a conversation the listener may not even notice. Experiences like these help us recognize being listened to as a great gift.
Listening is an effective way to create intimacy in our important relationships and especially in marriage. In fact, listening well is one of the easiest ways to increase relationship happiness and longevity.[i] Consider how it feels to be heard and understood. The listener doesn’t have to solve our problems for us; simply having someone show through their listening that they are with us is a wonderful thing. We can improve our marriages through skillful listening. And though it can be hard, we can learn how to overcome common obstacles to good listening.
I CAN’T HEAR YOU
As critical as the skill of listening is, most of us were not taught to listen well. We might take classes in other forms of communicating, like writing or public speaking, but listening often gets the short shrift. And yet, listening is perhaps the most important communication skill—or at least it’s the way most of us spend the majority of our time communicating. One landmark study estimated that of the time we spend in communication with others each day, we spend about 45% of the time listening, but only 30% speaking, 16% reading, and 9% writing.[ii] Even with all the listening we do in a day, we aren’t always proficient at it.
There are lots of reasons we fail to listen. Sometimes we’re mentally checked out, like I was with my daughter. Or maybe you’re like I am, where I’m often trying to think of the next great thing I want to say while the other person is talking. See if you’ve ever fallen into any of the following
- Submitting to emotional words: Letting emotional words (there are hundreds of examples—even words like mother-in-law, Democrat or Republican, or liar) distract from truly hearing what the speaker is trying to say.
- Tolerating or creating distractions: Simply putting a phone out on the table can signal that there’s something more important than listening in that moment.
- Calling the subject matter uninteresting: Heard someone tell the story a million times before? In that moment we could ask ourselves why the speaker is telling it now. What’s the message behind the words?
- Becoming too stimulated: If we’re busy thinking about the next thing we’re going to say, we will likely fail to fully focus on what is actually being said.
THE POWER OF ACTIVE LISTENING
Listening well can improve our relationships and bring us closer together as a couple. One author put it this way: “The more complete people can be to each other, the more love can flow freely between them,”i and that understanding of each other takes place through listening. Even Christ explained to His followers that to be a listener could bless not only the person being heard, but listeners themselves, “But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear” (Matt. 13:16).
In the book You’re Not Listening,[iv] about the power of listening, the author explains that when we engage with another person, our behavior can do two things: help or hinder our understanding, and strengthen or weaken the relationship. She concludes, “Listening is your best bet on both counts” (p.221). John Gottman, a renowned marriage scientist, asserts that the “First duty of love is to listen.”[v]
The following is a brief overview to Gottman’s active listening techniques.[v] See if you could incorporate any of these into your marriage.
- Focus on being interested, not interesting: Apply this advice to your life liberally and try not to be stunned by the difference it makes.
- Start by asking questions: Try to strike a balance between not too-specific, but also not to open-ended questions, such as, “What do you find you enjoy most about work lately?”
- Tune in with all your attention: Try to follow the other person’s train of thought as much as you can.
- Respond with an occasional brief nod or sound: Let your spouse know you are with him or her.
- From time to time, paraphrase what the speaker says: This lets the speaker know you are listening and also helps you to clarify what they’ve said.
- Turn off the TV and digital distractions: Show the speaker that you value listening to them.
- Let go of your own agenda: Attempt to let go of the need to direct the flow of the conversation, give advice, or trying to solve your spouse’s problems. The greatest gift you can give to a friend or lover or family member struggling with difficult life problems is not your opinion but your warm presence and a listening ear.
LOVE AND LISTENING
Henry David Thoreau wrote, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”iv I’d like to think that I’m a better listener now than when my daughter was little. I do recognize the power of listening now more than I did then. But most of all, I’m convinced that one of the best gifts you can your family members, and especially your spouse, is to listen well.
[i] Tower, R.B. (2017). 52 Ways to Show I Love You: Listening. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-refracted/201701/52-ways-show-i-love-you-listening
[ii] Wilt, M. E. (1950). A study of teacher awareness of listening as a factor in elementary education. The Journal of Educational Research, 43, 626-636.
[iii] Lee, D. & Hatesohl, D. (1993). Listening: Our most used communication skill. Extension: University of Missouri. https://extension2.missouri.edu/cm150#:~:text=A%20typical%20study%20points%20out,speaking%2C%20and%2045%20percent%20listening.
[iv] Murphy, K. (2019). You’re not listening: What you’re missing and why it matters. New York: Celadon Books.
[v] Lisitsa, E. (2013). The digital age: The first duty of love is to listen. The Gottman Institute: A research-based approach to relationships. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-digital-age-the-first-duty-of-love-is-to-listen/
Rebecca Clarke
Rebecca W. Clarke is a PhD student at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research focus is religion and sexuality, and she is currently working on papers dealing with sexual sanctification, sexual flourishing, and religiosity. Rebecca has been married to Sam Clarke for 24 years and they have four children.