Be gentle with yourself . . . in
the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul[i]. ~ Max Ehrmann
In a recent study, young adults[ii] listed a few reasons for loneliness: disconnection, modern culture, pressure, social comparison, and life transitions. The use of social media creates unrealistic comparisons and a pull toward perfectionism.[iii] Of course, the pressure of that can create a feeling of disconnection and discouragement. Even if social media is not an issue for you, many in our society have fallen into the endless comparisons of social status or polarized responses to conflict. Despite these common pitfalls, there is no need to completely shun social media or other modern cultural interactions, but a few adjustments may decrease the loneliness we feel.
When I teach about mindfulness many people initially go to the extremes of where they presently are and what they imagine mindfulness to be.: To be mindful , they imagine, you must mediate on a mountain top in baggy hemp clothing, and they are presently eating cheese fries and scrolling through Instagram. Those might represent some of the points along a mindful path, however, these extremes may just perpetuate a problem that many of us face which adds to our feelings of being disconnected and lonely. Instead of thinking of mindfulness as being a monk, we can instead move toward the middle path with small steps.
The Middle Way
Several traditions talk about or suggest a Middle Way or a path that encourages individuals to address the ambiguities between the ideal and the human inadequacies in their own lives and relationships. Buddha describes the noble path as the “Middle Way””[iv] which avoids the extremes of self-indulgence or self-mortification and instead encourages a curiosity or an inquiring spirit. Neurologists estimate we take in a very limited amount of our surroundings.[v] Increased awareness may reveal undiscovered connections with our world and relationships that may create peace and a sense of purpose. The middle way may represent the line that touches both the yin and the yang in our lives and to be aware of this balance or Middle Way may require a little effort.
The Middle Way for Relationships
Loneliness often stems from disconnection and isolation. In many cases, but certainly not all, we may have some power to change this disconnection and loneliness into connection. One of the needed elements of connection is the realization that there needs to be flux in relationships. If I aim to create relational harmony, I need to have good will toward others. Behave in a way that communicates “I’m on your side” “Let’s resolve this together” “Your perspective matters to me.” When we realize that relationships matter more than a problem, we open possibilities to find solutions.
Some people may wonder how this can be maintained if the other person is not also trying to find the middle way. If others are gloomy or hostile, you can still maintain your sense of the middle way. It’s not about being indifferent or ignoring them. It‘s about tuning in, showing empathy and understanding, but then realizing their emotions do not need to dictate your emotions. This approach changes loneliness in profound ways. It allows for connection but does not link your emotions to other’s who are struggling. This may require some deep breathing to notice the stress and feel compassion without feeling you need to internalize their stress.
Here are a few suggestions for overcoming feelings of loneliness with the middle path:
- Be thoughtful of others even when your busy or having a particularly disconnected day.
- Be supportive of others and avoid comparison or jealousy. This may mean limiting the exposure you have to social media. Just pay attention to how you feel.
- Be generous with your time and compassion. This is even more important than being generous with your money or gifts.
- Be reflective about how you can make changes to improve relationships and interactions with others.
The Middle Way in Relationships
Here are a few suggestions for romantic partners to get on the Middle Way or stay on the Middle Way:
- Recognize that love is not about being fair. It’s about being loving. Think of love as a verb not a noun.
- Romantic relationships are about giving and receiving. If this process is out of balance the relationship will become difficult, even tedious. Are you both a good giver AND receiver? Sometimes it’s hard to receive. Allow your partner the pleasure of taking care of you as well as you taking care of them.
- Take care of your partner and adapt to their needs (selflessness) but also,
- Take care of yourself in compassionate ways (divine self-awareness).
The Middle Way is a practical way of living mindfully. It is taking small steps toward a life filled with compassion and love and moving away of from loneliness and disconnection.
[i] https://scalar.fas.harvard.edu/resources-for-loss/an-excerpt-from-desiderata-by-max-ehrmann-contributed-by-nana-mcbrown-2023
[ii] Fardghassemi, S., & Joffe, H. (2022). The causes of loneliness: The perspective of young adults in London’s most deprived areas. Plos one, 17(4), e0264638.
[iii] Keutler, M., & McHugh, L. (2022). Self-compassion buffers the effects of perfectionistic self-presentation on social media on wellbeing. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 23, 53-58.
[iv] Oh, W. (2022). Understanding of self: Buddhism and psychoanalysis. Journal of religion and health, 61(6), 4696-4707.
[v] Cohen, M. A., Dennett, D. C., & Kanwisher, N. (2016). What is the bandwidth of perceptual experience?. Trends in cognitive sciences, 20(5), 324-335.