Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a power struggle? A power struggle is nothing more than competing for control. There may be a turf war at work, a colleague who is leveraging for more prestige, or a friend who must always have the last word. Power struggles come in many forms. In romantic relationships, a competition for control can be problematic because power imbalance is associated with less satisfaction within the relationship.[i]
An Example of Sexual Power Struggles
Emma and Troy really love each other but struggle with a power dynamic over sex. Troy wants sex more often than Emma does. Emma likes sex but Troy’s pressure to have sex makes her feel unseen and lowers her desire. She wishes she could be the one to initiate sex sometimes, but Troy is always hovering and hinting at sex. Emma is grateful that after being married for five years and having two energetic kids Troy still finds her attractive. Initiation is driven by Troy’s sexual desire. Their arousal process is also driven by Troy’s sexual preferences, which means they spend little time on foreplay. Troy hurries toward intercourse and orgasm because he can’t slow his own arousal down and he feels orgasm is the goal of sex. These dynamics make it difficult for Emma to enjoy sex fully. They both feel there is a long list of changes they would need to make to achieve any noticeable difference. They feel stuck.
Troy cares about Emma and wants their sexual experiences to meet her needs, but their patterns of sex seem too set. This pattern has never been interrupted by clear sexual communication and so Troy isn’t aware of what’s not working for Emma. Troy and Emma haven’t taken the time or effort to examine their sexual patterns and so the rushed foreplay doesn’t allow enough stimulation for Emma to do more than just starting to get interested in sex and then Troy reaches orgasm and the experience is over. Emma only occasionally orgasms. Emma has been quiet for so long that she feels the time to speak up has passed. She continues to feel frustration and accommodate Troy’s sexual patterns. All the while, Troy is wishing Emma would initiate or talk about what she likes in sex.
Power Struggles Within Your Relationship
Do parts of Troy and Emma’s story sound familiar? Anyone can fall into troubling patterns without intending to control or assert power. Too often when couples feel unvalidated they withdraw or become hostile. When these patterns emerge it’s easy to get stuck because the way out doesn’t seem clear. Often couples pause instead of acting, as if a power dynamic doesn’t matter. Maybe they think it will pass. Unfortunately, power dynamics within close relationships are unlikely to change without some skillful tools.
Emma and Troy could benefit from a number of aids such as more education on sexual anatomy, improving the quality of relational and sexual communication, and addressing individual skills of feeling personally competent and empowered. One skill that would be easy for them to start with is mindfulness.
Sex is Not Really About Sex
Mindfulness can really matter when we are trying to get unstuck from old patterns. George Mumford, a world-renowned mindfulness sports performance coach said,[ii] “The path of pure performance is about performing for no reason—just to be fully engaged in a moment, and fully deploy and express yourself, honestly. That’s really what it comes down to. You’re not doing [an activity] in order for [some specific outcome]. You’re doing it because in and of the thing itself is the moment and being fully engaged in a moment, fully deployed in a moment, and fully self-expressive in a moment. That’s the most important thing. Not the thing that we’re doing.”
If we apply Mumford’s thoughts to sex, we may stress less about the goal of orgasm or frequency, but instead be in each present moment. Sex is not really about sex—it’s about creating intimacy, as well as connection and pleasure for both individuals. Consider how your partner’s scent enters your awareness? What do you associate with the scent? What is this scent from?–hard work, cooking a meal, their favorite perfume? If the scent is from sweat, let go of the constant temptation to evaluate whether sweat is good or bad—recognize that it just is. Let your curiosity move you toward more intimacy by thinking about why sweat is needful or what sweat represents.
Armed with this attitude of curiosity, Emma and Troy may find room to meet each other’s sexual needs. Research[iii] shows that mindfulness helps us let go of pre-determined ideas and give room to just enjoy the moment. Enjoy each touch and sensation. Enjoy being aware of your body and your partner’s body. Enjoy not worrying about arousal, orgasm, or goals.
Research on Sexual Mindfulness and Power Struggles
Recent research found that mindfulness buffered the negative relationship between power imbalance and relational and sexual satisfaction[iv]. Most couples will experience periods of power imbalance or even periods when both partners feel a lack of power. Mindfulness, and particularly sexual mindfulness, encourages a more generous, forgiving, and connected approach when power struggles are present. For example, if Emma can be more sexually mindful when Troy initiates sex, she may recall that he really longed for more physical touch as a child and his need for the physical element of sex is like a reaching out for physical and emotional connection. If Troy is more mindful, he may be able to sit with his desire to initiate sex and instead of pushing for sex, he can give Emma time and opportunity to generate desire to a level where she wants to instigate physical intimacy. They can meet each other’s needs as they both practice mindfulness.
The Power of Letting Go
We can all use the same sexual mindfulness skills to address our unique sexual needs. Just stay anchored on your breath. Live each experience in 6-second increments—breathe in and breathe out. Notice how your body can take over any decision. Let your mind just stay with those feelings. Notice how being mindful also allows you to relax judgment. We can give attention to the moment and just notice the strangeness of what we experience. A synonym for curiosity is having a thirst for knowledge. This longing for knowledge is what mindfulness encourages. Learn things about your partner for the first time. See them anew. Mindfulness helps us to see more positive options in our relationships.
Antoinette Klatzky, a mindfulness guide, reminded us, “When we stay open, we begin to uncover possibilities we may never have thought existed.”
Power struggles are a no-win game. Instead of engaging in a struggle, open yourself up to a different response. Let go of the push for power and instead be curious about your own body, your awareness, and the endless possibilities of each moment.
[i] Neilands, T. B., Dworkin, S. L., Chakravarty, D., Campbell, C. K., Wilson, P. A., Gomez, A. M., … & Hoff, C. C. (2019). Development and validation of the power imbalance in couples scale. Archives of sexual behavior, 48(3), 763-779.
[ii] https://resources.soundstrue.com/podcast/no-struggle-no-swag/?utm_source=0-Picasso&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=N220605-Mumford%20%28Yf2NEe%29&_kx=cGirOnezqeZDNsEZzdDOrcjfRM0aG0DeS6WARCos8XY%3D.JMDgaq
[iii] Mak, W. W., Chio, F. H., Chong, K. S., & Law, R. W. (2021). From mindfulness to personal recovery: The mediating roles of self-warmth, psychological flexibility, and valued living. Mindfulness, 12(4), 994-1001.
[iv] Leavitt, Price, Eyring, Smedley, and Holmes (in process). The Power of Letting Go.