This is the first in a three-part series on differentiation of self. Read the second post, Balancing a Connection with Self and Others, here, and the third post, Developing Yourself, here.
There is a pervasive societal view that long-term relationships kill sexual desire. An article published in Psychology Today promotes an idea that the male libido is built around seeking new sexual experiences and that “human beings are clearly evolved for sex lives featuring multiple simultaneous sexual relationships.”
Essentially the argument holds that human survival instincts include the need to produce optimal posterity and to develop oneself, and that those instincts run contrary to the construct of monogamous marriage.
The idea that our ecology snuffs out the possibility of lifelong marriage leaves no one to blame but mother nature for the 15-40% of married men and women who engage in extramarital affairs.
But what about the enormous evidence that married people are happier, have more sex, and are healthier?[i] We see endearing love stories all over the internet of couples who have been married for 70 years and can testify that they have only grown to adore their partner and relationship as the years passed. Are we supposed to accept that each of these couples were somehow able to flourish and find happiness in relationships devoid of sexual desire and excitement–all against their human nature? Evidence shows evolution isn’t the only thing influencing marriages and individuals’ happiness.
Research actually paints a very different picture and helps us understand how committed relationships bring more pleasure, connection and growth[ii]. Couples in long-term relationships following a natural, challenging course of life that promotes growth, report deeper sexual desire and greater relational satisfaction than single or multi-partnered individuals.[iii] [iv]
BECOMING AND BELONGING
As individuals, we need to both grow and find connection within a committed relationship. Sometimes we struggle to achieve a balance in our need for belonging in a long-term relationship and independent achievement and growth. If one side of the scale tips and needs aren’t met, couples’ sexual and overall relationship will suffer. So, how can we find love with a partner while still meeting our need for growth and becoming? Well, the first step is the hot topic of discussion: get married.
While it is true that we desire diverse sexual experiences and freedom, to truly develop and grow, we need to work to be committed to a lifelong partner.
And common sense agrees too.
Diverse sexual experience and variety doesn’t need to come from a different human being than the one you’re married to. There’s a way to satisfy our need for a change and growth in our sex lives within our marital relationship. You can have your cookie and eat it too.
And that’s exactly the role that differentiation of self plays in marriage and sex. Not only does differentiation in a long-term relationship offer you growth and becoming, but it allows you to stay distinct and different from your partner, and thus, you create a newness in your relationship that keeps the desire and passion going!
In 1978, Murray Bowen[v] developed this theory of differentiation—the ability to maintain a strong sense of self while permitting intimacy and belonging with another human being. Another therapist, Dr. David Schnarch, put it this way: you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and to stay calm in the face of anxieties and conflicts with your partner.[vi] An individual who is highly differentiated is able to support themselves in their own struggles and problems without relying on another person to prop them up. A well-differentiated person also recognizes their interdependence with their spouse while maintaining their personal self-identity. They act in line with their own thoughts and ideals, rather than bending to the expectations of those around them.
Differentiation of self opens up a world of possibilities. What couple doesn’t love the idea of resurrecting the energy and excitement of their sex life that might have become boring and habitual? Let’s learn a bit more about how we can do this.
The “I” Position[vii]
You’ve got to start putting yourself at the control center of the decision-making part of your brain! How many times have you checked over your shoulder to make sure your husband/wife didn’t see you do something that might get you a glance of disapproval? Or have you weighed something as important and worthwhile only after making sure your spouse deemed it valuable first? Those whose self-esteem relies largely on what other people think about them generally rank lower in levels of differentiation. Authenticity and doing things because you truly believe them and want to do them is key to developing a strong sense of self.
EMOTIONAL CUTOFF
Have you ever been on the freezing end of the “cold shoulder”? Or maybe you have been the one dealing the ice. When you choose to avoid confrontation or talk about real concerns with your partner, you are burying an opportunity to be authentic and vulnerable. Through showing more of your true self by sharing your feelings and expressing what you need in the relationship, you are allowing an opportunity for differentiation in yourself and your partner.
EMOTIONAL FUSION
Has your spouse ever criticized you, and it bothered you for days? Do you feel the need for approval from virtually all of your family and friends? Do arguments make you feel awful? When we are emotionally fused with those around us, it becomes increasingly difficult to branch out and become–the key to differentiation. Check out this article for activities you can do to stop worrying about what others are thinking about you and start being a more natural and real you.
EMOTIONAL REACTIVITY
Sometimes it is difficult to not react emotionally in an event where our pride feels hurt or we feel unfairly judged or handled. As a solution to this we are fed the hackneyed phrase “put yourself in their shoes” and are sent merrily on our way. But, what about when thinking about your partner’s perspective still doesn’t help to calm your emotional upending? Then you’re completely normal. In fact, this is also a part of the differentiation process. We must learn how to soothe ourselves instead of relying on our partner to help us calm down. A way that we can do this has received a great measure of research attention and is found to be successful in managing our mind and heart when we become hurt or emotional; it’s called mindfulness. And if you look here, you can find some examples of how you can get started with your partner in order to become more differentiated together.
As world-renowned marriage and family therapist Dr. David Schnarch often says, marriage is a “Human Growth Machine.” Sooner or later, every person in a marriage must face a weakness, and they must learn to overcome it and grow. If not, their sexual life will suffer.
Differentiation—What a clever way for mother nature to keep her evolutionary tides rolling.
Read the next post in this series, Balancing a Connection with Self and Others, here.
Claire Nickell is an undergraduate student at BYU studying Human Development. She enjoys learning and writing about aspects of family relationships in Chelom Leavitt’s lab and is currently applying to Graduate programs for Marriage and Family Therapy. Her clinical aspirations include helping couples achieve healthy sexuality in marriage and aiding in child and adolescent adjustment. She is interested in solution-focused therapy and Bowen family systems therapy.
[i] Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2001). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. Crown Publishing Group (NY).
[ii] Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2001). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. Crown Publishing Group (NY).
[iii]Lampis, J. (2016). Does partners’ differentiation of self predict dyadic adjustment?. Journal of Family Therapy, 38(3), 303-318. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12073
[iv] Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., Novo, R. F., & Pereira, C. R. (2016). Partners’ similarity in differentiation of self is associated with higher sexual desire: A quantitative dyadic study. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 42(7), 635-647.
[v] Bowen, M. (1978) Family therapy in clinical practice. New York, NY: Jason Aronson
[vi] Schnarch, D. M. (2009). Intimacy and desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
[vii] Skowron, E. A., & Friedlander, M. L. (1998). The Differentiation of Self Inventory: Development and initial validation. Journal of counseling psychology, 45(3), 235.