The idea of a man developing a close relationship with me, even through innocent touch or a simple advance, was deeply unsettling. I felt scarred, emotionally fragmented, and incapable of trusting again, all of which shaped my understanding of relationships and boundaries.
These feelings that I experienced are not isolated, as research indicates that sexual trauma affects a significant number of women. 1 in 3 women in the United States experience sexual assault, and 1 in 6 are affected by rape [i]—feelings of distrust and confusion like mine are shared by many women. Past trauma deeply affects a woman’s ability to knowingly and voluntarily consent; however, while scars run deep, there are paths to healing, and an abundance of resources available to help survivors reclaim their sense of self and agency.
1. Understanding the Impact of Trauma on Consent
- Psychological effects: Survivors likely experience difficulty in trusting others, feeling safe, or interpreting intentions accurately. Common reports include feelings of shame, flashbacks, emotional numbness, hypervigilance, avoiding reminders of the event, and disruptions to daily routines [ii]. Long-term psychological effects that are commonly experienced are posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, generalized anxiety disorder, substance use disorders, eating disorders, sleep disorders, and suicidal ideation [iii]. This wide array of symptoms experienced may affect someone’s ability to assess consent in various situations.
- Boundary violations: Sexual trauma can lead to an impaired sense of boundaries. Following an assault, and especially in cases of repeated attacks, a survivor may develop a pervasive sense of being relentlessly pursued, coupled with a feeling of hopelessness [iv]. They may also feel less worthy of a healthy relationship due to being “damaged goods” [v]. As a result, survivors may struggle to communicate their limits, or may unknowingly allow boundaries to be crossed without fully recognizing it.
- Difficulty with healthy intimacy: Trauma survivors may perceive any form of closeness, touch, or intimacy as a threat, even if intentions are innocent, which can make giving or interpreting consent complicated. Because victims most commonly experience trauma at the hands of a “trusted” person, trustworthiness and transparency become impaired [vi]. Rebuilding a healthier vision of intimacy takes intense work in altering the survivor’s beliefs of others intentions.
2. Resources for Healing and Recovery
- Therapeutic support: There are many types of therapy that may be beneficial to survivors in the journey of their recovery, such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or group therapy [ii]. If you are encountering difficulty in understanding healthy consent from your traumatic experience, it is important to seek professional help and find a supportive, trained therapist who understands your specific trauma.
- Support groups and community: Support groups are more prevalent than we tend to think. Through a simple Google or Facebook group search, local and online platforms are accessible for survivors to connect with others who have similar experiences. Such communities can cultivate empathy and open communication, which create a foundation of trust, allowing survivors to feel heard and validated [i]. When people can express themselves openly and are met with understanding, it fosters safety. Support groups can greatly aid in rebuilding trust and reducing isolation.
- Self-care and empowerment: Self-care practices are vital to healing. Practices include mindfulness [viii], journaling, or engaging in hobbies that foster self-empowerment and control over one’s body and emotions. One of my favorite tools is the podcast, “Daily Affirmations for Women,” by Women’s Meditation Network [ix]. It is easy to access, does not require much time, and completely transforms my mindset when I need it most, through the power of meditation.
3. Restoring Trust and Rebuilding Relationships
- Taking control of your narrative: One major way that survivors can reclaim their sense of agency is by learning to set and communicate their boundaries confidently. This is done through deep reflection of one’s personal desires and comfortability, and committing to those needs. Remember, consent is affirmative, conscious, and voluntary agreement which happens throughout sexual activity and can be revoked at any time [vii]. Exercising and expressing consent and boundaries is extremely effective in enhancing self-esteem and creating empowerment and voice [i]. By establishing and confidently sticking to your boundaries, you promote healthier, more respectful relationships.
- Building healthy relationships: To all survivors: please be patient with yourself. You can approach relationships after trauma whenever you are ready, and do so by taking small, intentional steps to rebuild trust in yourself and others. Be open with your partner and explain to them how they can support you in the process. Normalize boundaries, which can help you feel more confident in advocating for your needs without fear of judgment or retaliation [iv]. Your relationship will not be perfect, but with open communication and true intention of understanding and supporting one another, it can be successful.
- The role of patience and grace: We must understand that recovery is a very gradual process, and it is not linear. Survivors may need time to heal, re-learn trust, and develop new ways to engage in relationships. Patience and grace are always deserved, no matter how much time it has been, or if steps backward have occurred. Time and effort equate to progress, no matter what it looks like.
To my beautiful survivor, I want you to know you are not alone. I and many other women see you. What happened to you does not define you. Through the work of understanding, education, resources, and restoration, we walk forward on this path of healing together, hand-in-hand. Healing and hopefulness are possible. The light in you remains.
Isabella Mendez, an Alaskan-born Latina, has a profound appreciation for family, community, and cultural connection. Currently studying Human Development at BYU, she is dedicated to pursuing a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy to help strengthen relationships and foster emotional well-being. Outside of her studies, Bella finds joy in dancing, reading, baking, traveling, and creating meaningful memories with those she loves.
[i] Pemberton, J. V., & Loeb, T. B. (2020). Impact of sexual and interpersonal violence and trauma on women: Trauma-informed practice and feminist theory. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 32(1–2), 115–131. https://doi.org/10.1080/08952833.2020.1793564
[ii] Basile, K. C., DeGue, S., Jones, K., Freire, K., Dills, J., Smith, S. G., & Raiford, J. L. (2016). Sexual violence prevention resource for action. https://www.cdc.gov/violence-prevention/media/pdf/resources-for-action/SV-Prevention-Resource_508.pdf
[iii] Chen, L. P., Murad, M. H., Paras, M. L., Colbenson, K. M., Sattler, A. L., Goranson, E. N., Elamin, M. B., Seime, R. J., Shinozaki, G., Prokop, L. J., & Zirakzadeh, A. (2010). Sexual abuse and lifetime diagnosis of psychiatric disorders: Systematic review and meta-analysis. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 85(7), 618–629. https://doi.org/10.4065/mcp.2009.0583
[iv] Chopra, M. (2006). Delusional themes of penetration and loss of boundaries and their relation to early sexual trauma in psychotic disorder. Clin Soc Work J 34, 483–497. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-005-0037-x
[v] Parker, Danna Michelle, “Damaged Goods” (2010). Electronic Theses and Dissertations. 153.
https://digitalcommons.georgiasouthern.edu/etd/153
[vi] Conley, A. H., & Griffith, C. (2016). Trauma-informed response in the age of Title IX: Considerations for college counselors working with survivors of power-based personal violence. Journal of College Counseling, 19(3), 276–288. https://doi.org/10.1002/jocc.12049
[vii] Metz, J., Myers, K., & Wallace, P. (2020). ‘Rape is a Man’s Issue:’ Gender and Power In The Era of Affirmative Sexual Consent. Journal of Gender Studies, 30(1), 52–65. https://doi.org/10.1080/09589236.2020.1834367
[viii] Leavitt, C. (November 28, 2020). What is mindfulness and why does it matter in my life? Chelom Leavitt Blog. Retrieved from https://www.chelomleavitt.com/what-is-mindfulness-and-why-does-it-matter-in-my-life/
[ix] https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/daily-affirmations-meditation-for-women/id1625564508