For most of history, women have been told how to behave, how to dress, how to think (or not think), and what they could do professionally and at home. Women have also been told how to act during sex and how to enjoy or tolerate sex.
What sex researchers and health advocates have promoted is that women need to openly talk about their differing needs and arousal patterns. In fact, recent research indicates that not only do women differ from men in how they experience arousal and orgasm, but women also differ from other women and that’s just fine.[i]
One thing that researching women’s sexual health has taught me is that women experience sex across a wide range of possibilities. I in no way speak for all women. I am simply aware of some general trends in my research and others’ research. So, with the understanding that women have a wide range of experience let’s talk about a few overarching realities of women’s sexual experience.
Women are not men (hallelujah!)
We don’t want to be and should be prodded to be like men. Women do not evaluate sex in the same way that men do and this needs to be acknowledged and valued. Nearly every study that ever was shows that men’s sexual desire for penetrative sex is significantly higher than women’s.[ii] That’s not a fact we need to debate. However, sexual desire for penetrative sex is not the only marker of sexual desire. The sexual desire to feel desired, cuddle, feel emotionally connected, feel arousal for arousal’s sake are also markers that need to be evaluated. Women’s desire in those categories are generally higher than men’s. Both need attention. Research has shown that men and women have a range of sexual arousal patterns and despite the differing patterns nearly all lead to satisfaction if shame is not involved.[iii]
Orgasm is not the main marker of success
There is the occasional nod in movies that a great lover takes time to make sure his wife or partner experiences pleasure. However, women’s sexual needs go far beyond whether they orgasm. Societal pressure for women to be like men also contributes to the problem. Some women feel pressure to have the same level of orgasm consistency as their partner or to experience arousal at the same pace as their partner. Unfortunately, this even leads to women faking orgasms to shorten an unrewarding sexual experience or avoid making their partner feel like an inadequate lover.
One of the main problems is that society has only valued sexual desire that results in intercourse or oral sex AND culminates in orgasm. Women often experience sexual desire but want to connect emotionally in an environment of comfort and safety and vulnerability. They may want to sit in arousal and not drive toward orgasm. They may want to orgasm many times. The point is women have a wide range of what satisfies them, and good lovers will take the time to talk about this and enthusiastically find ways that meet both partners’ needs. Do women want to orgasm—YES! But most women are still highly satisfied if they orgasm most of the time and not necessarily every time.[iv]
The pace of sex is typically too fast
Women need to experience an increase of oxytocin to feel heightened arousal and orgasm. Too often the sexual experience is hurried and not as emotionally connective as women need. Talking about emotions, creating an environment of safety and vulnerability is essential for women’s bodies to be able to move through the process of arousal. Heighten oxytocin (sometimes called the cuddle hormone) is necessary for women’s body to respond to arousal cues and reach an orgasm threshold. Being a good lover is often taking time to emotionally connect first and create a comfortable, warm, emotional environment and taking longer during foreplay and the sexual activity.[v] Jumping into touching genitals right off is off-putting for most women.
Some helpful hints:
- Women on average need between 20-60 minutes of foreplay to feel they had adequate arousal. If your experiences are consistently shorter than this speak up and have a conversation about the pace of sex.[vi]
- Try being more mindful during sex. Describe to yourself or your partner what details you notice during the sexual experience. What feels particularly pleasant? How does it feel to touch, smell, hold your partner in silence, or think of the path that brought you both together.
- Let go of the goal of orgasm and instead focus on how each moment feels. Couples who are more present focused in sex report enjoying sex more and experience more consistent orgasm frequency.[vii]
Being a thoughtful lover requires that you first learn about yourself and then openly share that with your partner to create a sense of curiosity and healthy risk-taking. Slow down the process to be aware of more detail. Generally, couples who take longer in their lovemaking learn more about one another and create more passion and eroticism.
[i] Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
[ii] Baumeister, R. F., Catanese, K. R., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Is there a gender difference in strength of sex drive? Theoretical views, conceptual distinctions, and a review of relevant evidence. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(3), 242-273.
[iii] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research.
[iv] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Clarke, R. W. (2021). When is enough enough? Orgasm’s curvilinear association with relational and sexual satisfaction. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 18(1), 167-178.
[v] Weiss, P., & Brody, S. (2009). ORIGINAL RESEARCH–PSYCHOLOGY: Women’s Partnered Orgasm Consistency Is Associated with Greater Duration of Penile–Vaginal Intercourse but Not of Foreplay. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 6(1), 135-141.
[vi] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research.
[vii] Leavitt, C. E., Maurer, T. F., Clyde, T. L., Clarke, R. W., Busby, D. M., Yorgason, J. B., … & James, S. (2021). Linking sexual mindfulness to mixed-sex couples’ relational flourishing, sexual harmony, and orgasm. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(6), 2589-2602.