When Boredom Hits–Sparks vs. Embers

Sex is often said to be the barometer of the entire relationship, so what happens when our barometer is reading “BORING”? Long-term relationships often move into a routine that is smooth, predictable, and reliable and, luckily, when this happens, we have more room to focus on other things such as work, school, children, and household responsibilities. Can you imagine if we had a lifetime of butterflies in our stomach and fuzzy thinking patterns? Nothing would ever get done!

But it can also feel disappointing to lose that initial spark you felt, the butterflies in your stomach the first time you held hands, or the excitement of the first kiss. What can you do to reignite that fire?

First of all, don’t despair. It’s normal.[i] However, looking back to the beginning of the relationship when everything was new, we had a constant dose of the unexpected. Now we fear that we have become one of those humdrum, boring couples that plan out menus and grocery lists together and talk about getting enough fiber in their diet. We worry that our day to day routine signals that we’ve “lost the spark.”

Sparks are definitely important. They start the fire in the first place, but they are generally short-lived. Embers are hearty, they ebb and flow based on the needs of the relationship. Hopefully the spark you and your spouse had was a spark that ignited a fire that turned into embers. Sparks are fun, but they are temporary. Embers are made from sharing a life together, the good times and the hard time, coming to know each other intimately, and growing a love much deeper than those initial sparks. As long as we regularly tend to the embers, we can maintain that excitement and newness an entire lifetime.

So how do we tend to embers?

1. Remember that relationships are fragile. None of us are perfect and we will make mistakes. But quickly recognizing our mistakes and repairing is key. If we ignore our relationship, it will become sick and die, even if we still stay married. The world has plenty of “roommate marriages.” These couples tend to business but lack deep connection and intimacy. What we need is more passionate marriages where spouses cherish each other, take time to work together through difficulties and are invested in making the relationship meaningful for both.
2. See your partner anew. Ester Perel, a well-known sex therapist said, “We want our chosen one to offer stability, safety, predictability, and dependability… and we want that very same person to supply awe, mystery, adventure, and risk.” Be brave and share emotions or thoughts that you have tucked away. Trust your partner to see this side of you with curiosity and non-judgement. Reciprocate with acceptance and love when your spouse does the same.
3. Develop yourself. Dr. Perel advises, “Too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals, leaving nothing to transcend, no bridge to cross, no one to visit on the other side, and no other world to explore.” Self-expanding activities are great for a relationship and can even improve your sexual relationship as couples have more to share, connection, and feel personally empowered.[ii] Find a hobby of your own, read a book, volunteer with a cause you feel passionately about. Then share that new found joy with your spouse. When you each have interests of your own and you’re each feeling fulfilled in your individual passions, you will have more to talk about, more to connect with, and you’ll be more interesting to each other.

[i] Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., Woody, E. Z., & Purdon, C. (2016). The longitudinal association of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(7), 822-831.

[ii] Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology, 116(2), 237-258.