When Broken Brings Beauty

There is a word, Kintsukuroi, that refers to a beauty that comes to things that are mended. The idea originates from a few Asian stories. One story recounts the purchase of a magnificent jar . The shape and glaze were stunning and the owner wanted to show it off to a great leader. However, when the man revealed the beautiful jar the great leader said nothing and left. In his disappointment, the owner exploded and threw the jar against the wall and the jar broke into pieces. Some of the owner’s friends took the pieces and mended the jar with lacquer. Later the great leader again saw the mended jar and exclaimed, “Now the piece is magnificent!”

Beauty in Brokenness

Have you been broken at times in your life and felt the bitter disappointment of failure, lost dreams, or damaged relationships? Most people can relate to feelings of inadequacy or failure. Mistakes, bad choices, awkwardness, and poor performance are all part of being human. But learning to mend is a skill that creates beauty from broken things. In fact, some might say that things are more beautiful for being broken. Why might broken things be even more beautiful? One reason is because we can all relate to brokenness.

We might have bought into the idea that people will like us more if we impress them with our accomplishments and success, but in reality, we connect more with those trusted few when we share a little of our failures as well. Here’s a fun video about learning to have charming conversation that includes vulnerability. Research confirms that being vulnerable and authentic improves both relationships and sexual connection.[i],[ii] We feel relieved and understood when we can let our partner see us, weaknesses, fears, and flaws. Then our partners may see us anew. Sharing a burden together can help in the mending process.

The Mending Process

Mending the hurts within relationships can also reflect this beauty, and even make a relationship stronger. A few conditions need to be met before you begin the work of mending a relationship. Ask yourself these questions:

• Am I willing to address what might be broken in our relationship and do the work needed to correct it rather than hoping my partner will be the one to do the changing?
• Do both partners still want to try?
• Do both partners want similar things?
• Is there enough energy to repair and recommit?
• Can I do my part to resolve the conflict and shun the harmful patterns that didn’t work?
• Am I running away from or avoiding the conflict and therefore not giving resolution a chance?
• Are there other underlying or hidden issues?

Ideas for Mending Broken Relationships:

1. Be attentive to what your partner is saying. We talk a lot about mindfulness here at chelomleavitt.com and this is one place where mindfulness is essential. Couples who can be aware and accepting of their partner’s concerns, even when presented in a hostile way, are more likely to find resolution.
2. Show concern and compassion for one another. Empathy and forgiveness are crucial protective skills that can be learned and when applied are a boon to any relationship.[iii]
3. Remember times that make you both laugh. It always good to take a break from conflict if even for a moment and find something to connect on.
4. De-escalate conflict. Recognize that conflict needs to be addressed in a collaborative way. Avoid comments that are cutting or that have underlying messages.
5. Don’t bring up issues from the past. If past issues have been resolved, then let them stay in the past. However, if patterns emerge that need to be addressed, do so quickly and kindly so that hurts don’t fester.
6. Have a basic level of trust. Trust is built on daily patterns. Just because conflict snuck into your relationship doesn’t mean there isn’t still trust. Work to always be trustworthy.
7. Be accountable for your actions and don’t blame one another. Acknowledge where you could have been better, take responsibility for your part in the problem, and then work to improve yourself in these ways.
8. Turn your negative energy into something loving. The opposite of love isn’t anger. The opposite is indifference. Indifference is hard to overcome, so do not shy away from emotions that you feel. Anger can morph into love when perspectives are aligned or understood.

Mending a relationship may also require some marriage counseling. Therapy can be a beautiful way to find solutions to problems the two of you just can sort out. The key is investing in each other and recognizing that problems are normal. The thing about being broken at times is that we’re human and facing our struggles helps us develop. Consider the comforting message of this Leonard Cohen poem-

RING THE BELLS THAT STILL CAN RING FORGET YOUR PERFECT OFFERING THERE IS A CRACK, A CRACK IN EVERYTHING THAT’S HOW THE LIGHT GETS IN.

What’s broken in your relationship? Probably something. Mending the broken gives new life and meaning to disappointment and struggle and may create unseen and unknown beauty. We may declare like the great leader, “Now it is magnificent!”

[i] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.

[i] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.

[ii] Brunell, A. B., Kernis, M. H., Goldman, B. M., Heppner, W., Davis, P., Cascio, E. V., & Webster, G. D. (2010). Dispositional authenticity and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(8), 900-905.

[iii] Chung, M. S. (2014). Pathways between attachment and marital satisfaction: The mediating roles of rumination, empathy, and forgiveness. Personality and Individual Differences, 70, 246-251.