Why Having “The Talk” Is an Ongoing Process

When parents ask, “When should I talk to my kids about sex?” I reiterate Elder Bradley Foster’s thought “It’s never too early and it’s never too late to lead, guide, and walk beside our children, because families are forever.”[1] Start early, but if not, start whenever you can. It’s ideal to begin to teach your children about sex when they are little. You can begin to do this by teaching them the right vocabulary for each body part. You can also teach them to respect their own body and the bodies of others. You can teach them about the wonders of a body—their emotions, sensations, and many, many abilities.

When they are old enough to understand (maybe seven, eight, or nine) you can teach them more about the beautiful gift of sexuality. You can include the facts that sex is intended to strengthen a marriage, and that sex helps couples create healthy attachments that smooth the bumps and struggles of day to day life. Even young children can understand that marriage can be hard at times and sex can help couples reconnect in a meaningful way.

This “talk” is really a series of ongoing discussions that present good information to our children and answers any questions they may have. Like any complex and meaningful topic, it’s best if we don’t give more information than they can digest at any one time. Instead, have a good foundational discussion that explains the beauty of intercourse in a loving marriage (see podcast #4 for more detail ), then follow up throughout their growing-up years with a series of warm and open talks about sexuality. For example, you will want to have a talk on how their bodies will develop during maturation. Explain in another conversation how sex has been meaningful in your marriage (no need to share details). Another time you may talk about arousal and how this is a built-in part of our biology. Here you can explain that just because someone feels arousal doesn’t mean they have to act on it. Learning to sit with arousal is just one way they can learn to master themselves and the power of sexuality. Talk about the mechanics of intercourse so there is no confusion. Use pictures so they are clear about both men’s and women’s anatomy. Talk clearly about the values you ascribe to sexual union—share with your child its meaning, positive nature, and the individual and couple benefits.

Sex is intended to be an “other” focused experience. In sex we give of ourselves. In healthy sexuality you give your emotions, your commitment, your vulnerabilities, truly, you give everything you are.[2] To effectively do this you must understand who you are, which takes time. Consequently, sex is not something to rush in to. So, let your child know there’s plenty of time to learn about healthy sexuality.

As you have these ongoing conversations with your child make sure the environment is open and that the conversation is a discussion rather than a lecture. Ask your child what questions they may have and really listen to their thoughts. If fact, let them lead the discussion if possible. Remind them that you are striving to be a good guide to them. Sexuality is a process of learning. Try to work together to learn and let them know that they can always come to you with any questions they might have and you will be happy to answer them. You might even want to follow up with the child a day or two after first discussion about intercourse to see if any questions have come up since you last talked. Make it easy for your child to approach you on this subject. A lot of the comfort or discomfort children feel will actually be a reflection of your own comfort level with sexuality. Keeping a positive, warm tone during your discussions is a wise practice.

Unfortunately, most children report that their parents weren’t available to talk about sex as they were growing up.[3] In fact, their parent made the topic shameful and uncomfortable. If that has been your experience, remember it is never too early and it is never too late to create a relaxed, comfortable atmosphere. Practice approaching this topic it in a comfortable, calm, open way. Practice talking about sexuality with your partner or another adult. Practice creating an open, non-controlling atmosphere around this (and other topics). You can even practice using the right terminology with your spouse and talking about the function of each body part so that when you approach the discussion with your child it won’t feel like the first time you’ve said the terms out loud.

1. Emotional changes during puberty
2. Physical changes during puberty
3. Arousal
4. Masturbation
5. Attraction
6. Body parts and their function in sex and/or pregnancy/delivery
7. Wet dreams/sporadic erections/menstruation
8. Sexual safety/abuse (make sure this topic is covered on its own)
9. Body Image
10. Self-mastery
11. Learning to sit with arousal (mindfulness)
12. Respecting others’ bodies
13. Showing affection to others in non-sexual ways
14. The meaning of sex
15. Sexual myths
16. Gender stereotypes
17. Orgasm and the pleasure of sex
18. The importance of commitment and vulnerability in the marriage and sexual relationship
19. Sexual wholeness/ sexual fragmentation
20. Attachment hormones of sex

[1] LDS General Conference October, 2015 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2015/10/its-never-too-early-and-its-never-too-late?lang=eng

[2] Holland, Jeffery (1988) Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/souls-symbols-sacraments/

[3] Flores, D., & Barroso, J. (2017). 21st century parent–child sex communication in the United States: A process review. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(4-5), 532-548.