Why Sexual Growth Matters: You Are Worth It

Recently we heard about a woman in her early 70s who has been married for over 50 years and hadn’t experienced any sexual fulfillment with her husband. She’s never had an orgasm and in fact, she and her husband hadn’t really explored her body or her physical needs. Her focus in the sexual relationship has been on pleasing him and neither of them has made any real effort to address her desires. Now in their 70s, this woman’s husband is experiencing some sexual dysfunction, so he prefers to avoid sexual arousal (even hugging or snuggling) because it frustrates him. Consequently, their sex life lies dormant. Feeling the lost potential of so many years, this woman desires to experience sexual satisfaction, connection, and fulfillment, but wonders if it’s too late for her.

This example is a bit haunting, but this isn’t an uncommon story for women. The female body is complicated, and it takes intentional effort to figure out women’s needs and desires. For any number of reasons, it might be easy for a woman to put her own sexual needs on the backburner. As a woman, maybe you started out with the best of intentions but then discovered that figuring out your body and your needs was hard, so you let it become less of a priority. Maybe you entered your sexual relationship lacking sexual knowledge and now you don’t know where to turn to gain a better understanding (you are in the right place!). Maybe the complexity of women’s anatomy feels foreign and a little shameful. Maybe you’ve got sexual attitudes that need to be challenged. Or maybe you’re so used to serving and caring for others that taking time for your own needs feels wrong.

These are just a few of the reasons that some women may struggle with their sexuality or their sexual desire. And these feelings and struggles can ebb and flow through the course of a relationship.[i] Just because you started out with high desire doesn’t mean that you will always have high desire. And even if you’ve been through a rough patch in your sexuality, you can still seek out better times. Sexual relationships take work, commitment, and flexibility by both partners. But a sexual relationship is intended to bring a husband and wife together in a way that few things can. It’s worth the work.

OWN & ACCEPT YOUR SEXUAL NATURE:

The key to all of this is in recognizing that your sexuality is a great part of who you are. It’s nothing to hide from or be ashamed of. You don’t need to feel pressured by other’s standards for your sexuality or try to meet certain expectations (what you’ve seen on tv, what you think your partner wants, or what you think sex “should look like”) with it. But you do need to accept your sexuality, embrace it, and acknowledge that sharing your sexuality with your partner can bless both of you. We are all sexual by nature and becoming comfortable with your sexuality is important to both your personal growth and your romantic relationship. If you are struggling with your sexuality or your relationship, here are some ideas to try.

You are Worth It:

It’s important to recognize that a focus on your partner’s needs without taking time for your own does a disservice to both of you. Most men want to bring pleasure to their wives[ii] and being willing to not only give freely but also to receive in sex is important to a strong relationship. Men and women who share more equally in all aspects of their relationship (e.g., household chores, childcare) are happier overall in their relationship and this is true in the bedroom as well.[iii] Having a one-sided experience and meeting only one partner’s needs, no matter how selfless that might seem, creates an unhealthy dynamic for both of you and may breed resentment over time. Most importantly, a one-sided sexual relationship limits both partners’ development. Allow your spouse to show love to you through physical touch and sexual expression. Both partners have desires that matter and both partners are important to the relationship. Allow the sharing of your sexuality to mirror that.

If your relationship seems imbalanced, here are a few things you can discuss as a couple:

1. What makes each of you feel loved? Do you know how to show each other love in ways that are meaningful to the other?
2. Are there areas of your relationship where you could use more support? Are there areas of your relationship where you could give more support to your partner?
3. Do you each get time to yourself to refuel and enjoy your own hobbies and passions? Do you get time together as a couple to enjoy each other’s company and keep the relationship strong?
4. If you have different sexual needs than your partner, do you feel heard? Do you each place importance on creative sexual foreplay and emotionally connecting during sex?

Body Exploration:

Maybe you are unsure of what’s happening in your body or what types of physical touch you like. First of all, it’s important to get to know your anatomy. Learn about where your various sexual organs are located. Learn which parts of your body respond to sexual touch, and to do this, you may need to take some time to explore together. If you struggle in knowing your body, talk as a couple about ways to learn together about both your anatomy and your arousal. Because men’s anatomy is external, it’s more straightforward. Because women’s anatomy is largely internal, we need to take time to both really understand how a woman responds to touch and arousal. Depending on your feelings as a couple, you may choose to learn and explore a little bit on your own and then share this information with your spouse. Or you may engage in this learning together. Remember, learning about your body and your needs is a way to strengthen your sexual relationship as a couple. Keep that as a focus and draw together and support each other in this process.

Learning to Orgasm:

If orgasm is new to you (like the woman in our story), you can build on learning about your body to eventually achieve orgasm as well. Exploring your physical needs and allowing your partner to learn what you like may be enough to eventually achieve orgasm. The female body often needs more time than a man’s body to reach orgasm.[iv] If you feel comfortable, you can also try things like a vibrator or a stream of water as a steppingstone to help you learn to orgasm. Research indicates that the average woman orgasms two-years after her first sexual experience. So realize that sometimes learning to orgasm takes time. Don’t rush this process and realize this is an adventure that can draw you closer to one another. Continue to learn together as a couple and explore your body to achieve this together and to bring connection in your relationship.

Sexuality as Personal Growth:

Remember as you work through this process, it is going to be challenging.  Be patient with yourself and with your partner on this journey…but stay on the journey. As you work together to improve your sexual experience, allow yourselves to laugh when things get weird, to try again when it doesn’t go like planned, and to be two players on the same team. Over the years there will be ups and downs for both of you, but when you allow sexuality to bring you together, this can be a process that strengthens your relationship. Be willing to take part in the challenge. It will help you grow in so many ways.

If you’ve been frustrated in the past, feel like you don’t know where to start, or aren’t sure that this will work…persevere! You are worth it and your own needs, desires, and happiness matter. Don’t let something that can be a wonderful part of your life go neglected just because it’s hard. Don’t let the years pass you by without embracing this part of who you are and expecting more than what you’ve currently got. It’s meant to be a process and you are worth the work.

HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN DO TO BEGIN THIS PROCESS:

1. Take some time to think about what your sexual challenges are and from where they might stem. You could write these thoughts down in a journal. Are there attitudes you need to confront in yourself or challenge your thinking (for example, body shame, poor sexual knowledge, or unrealistic sexual expectations)? As you recognize areas for change, take time each week to reflect on these, and to make small changes in your thought patterns.
2. Talk to your spouse about your sexual relationship and how the two of you can work together to improve it in ways that are satisfying for both of you.
3. Learn about your anatomy if you are unfamiliar with it. You can even use a mirror to be able to examine each part better.
4. Try slowing down your sexual experiences and try not to be judgmental of what happens. Pay attention to what feels good and remove any pressure from the situation by just focusing on the moment and not pushing toward a particular goal. Just spend time together with your spouse touching and connecting in a way that is mutually satisfying.
5. Learn to recognize your own desires and to communicate them to your partner.
6. Read some of our blog posts together as a couple each week or listen to a podcast episode.

[i] Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Maintaining sexual desire in long-term relationships: A systematic review and conceptual model. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(4-5), 563-581.

[ii] Impett, E. A., Muise, A., & Rosen, N. O. (2015). Is It Good to Be Giving in the Bedroom? A Prosocial Perspective on Sexual Health and Well-Being in Romantic Relationships. Current Sexual Health Reports, 7(3), 180-190. doi:10.1007/s11930-015-0055-9

[iii] Doan, D. J. (2006). Couples’ sexuality: Relation to gender role attitudes and division of household labor (Order No. 3220424). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (304912180). Retrieved from https://lib-byu-edu.erl.lib.byu.edu/remoteauth/?url=/docview/304912180?accountid=4488

[iv] Kontula, O., & Miettinen, A. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 6(1), 31624.