Our culture often encourages certain gender roles—women should be gentle, caring, and accommodating, and men should be bold, fierce, and decisive. However, at times these strict roles don’t help us meet our needs or reach our individual potential. Common sense and research tell us it’s time to throw out rigid roles and embrace what we are capable of becoming. Likely, that means both men and women will need to embrace masculine AND feminine traits.
Yin and Yang
Much like the balance between male and female traits, the idea of yin and yang refers to duality or that opposites can exist in harmony. If fact, opposites can bolster one another. Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher at University of Texas at Austin, talks about the yin and yang of self-compassion.i At times we feel the need to be loving, connected and tender with our self and with our partner. This is the yin in us.
However, there are also times when the yang in us will demand that we speak a hard truth, stand up for growth, or tap into a feeling of empowerment to address a difficult reality. When we are stuck in viewing ourselves one-dimensionally, either as all yin or all yang, we miss the opportunity to show both gentle and fierce compassion. Both are needed and we have to work at developing these elements of yin and yang in balance.
Dr. Neff explains, “In yin self-compassion, we hold ourselves with love—validating, soothing, and comforting our pain so that we can ‘be’ with it without being consumed by it. In yang self-compassion, we act in the world in order to protect ourselves, provide what we need, and motivate change to reach our full potential.” If we only use validating compassion (yin) we will miss opportunities for growth and expanding our skills. But if we only use protection (yang) compassion we may fatigue and feel discouragement. Both gentleness and fierceness are needed in our individual lives and in our marriages.
Balancing Yin and Yang
Unfortunately, when women try to balance the yin and yang in their lives, some may interpret their fierceness as anger or aggressiveness. If men include a healthy amount of yin in their lives, they may be accused of being too soft, vulnerable, or emotional. These attitudes are harmful. Both men and women need a healthy balance of yin and yang, gentleness and fierceness. Research shows that yin compassion helps people experience better emotion regulation and mental health.ii Yang compassion can not only enable people to cope with stressful events, but also to feel more motivation to improve.iii
Yin and Yang in Your Marriage
When we hit a bump in our marriage, as we all do, it’s important to access both our yin and yang compassion. Compassion creates an environment of trust, gentleness, and forgiveness. Research shows couples are happier in their marriage when they use compassion.iv But compassion is more than giving your partner a pass. Gentleness does not mean we make excuses for bad behavior. Instead, yang compassion speaks a hard truth in love, addresses a wrong with strength and clarity, and confronts hurt feelings with strong vulnerability.
Yin and yang are not simply “male” or “female” traits. These are mature, kind, loving traits that strengthen and unify marriages. It takes courage to be gentle and fierce and it takes skill to learn how to employ these facets of compassion to fit the situation. What this looks like will be different in every marriage, but it may be something like staying present and open in an argument AND speaking up despite hurt feelings. It may be initiating sex when there has been some emotional distance AND encouraging a sharing of vulnerable feelings. These are hard paths to navigate and even if we aren’t perfectly successful, we will learn to create more connection and unity.
Dr. Neff reminds us of the constant need for balance, “When I’m being tender toward myself or others in a yin way, for instance, I consciously ask whether the force of yang is needed. And when I feel yang energy arising, I try to make sure that I have enough yin, to remind myself that the use of force is more effective when it is combined with tenderness.”
Give yourself and your marriage both the gentleness and fierceness of yin and yang.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.