When we say someone or something is “Zen,” it’s slang for peaceful and relaxed. So let’s get our Zen on with a few quotes from some Zen gurus.
Only when you can be extremely pliable and soft can you be extremely hard and strong. – Zen Proverb
For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them. – Thích Nhat Hanh
Think with your whole body. – Taisen Deshimar
Each morning, we are born again. What we do today is what matters most. ― Buddha
Let go, or be dragged. –Zen Proverb
Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace. ― Dalai Lama
The noble-minded are calm and steady. Little people are forever fussing and fretting. Confucius
Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them. ― Dalai Lama
Smile, breathe and go slowly. ― Thích Nhất Hạnh
If you realize you have enough, you are truly rich. ― Lao Tzu
Love is the absence of judgment. ― Dalai Lama
All of these ideas indicate that “letting go” or being “Zen” leads to more peace and happiness in life. So how do we “let go”? What does that look like?
When I first heard the phrase it resonated with me but I had no idea how to implement “letting go” in my chaotic life. What I found out is that’s OK to try to balance a busy life with a Zen ideal. Slow down as much as you can. Take two minutes to just breathe. Focus on how the air is sucked into your nostrils and how that fills your lungs, increasing the capacity in your body. Breath out and recognize how your body relaxes just a bit. More if you allow it. Breathe in and notice. Breathe out and notice again. That’s the foundation of feeling peaceful and relaxed. Now practice this type of breathing each day. Many times a day. Practice noticing your breath and observe how your mind responds. This simple practice has shown links to less anxiety, greater self-esteem, less depression, and happier relationships.
Do you have to bring your attention back to breath? So do I. Do you find yourself worried about random things each time you settle in to meditate? So do I. Just remember it will get easier the more you do it. Never scold yourself for your lack of attention. Just welcome the chance to practice. Look at your feelings as just temporary actors on a stage, sad or discouraged, excited or anxious, they will soon exit the stage and be finished. Zen creates calm and steady, fussing and fretting is not helpful and distracts us from gratitude for the present moment.
How can this mindset help us with sex? Let’s break down how being mindful during sex can help our relationship.
OUR EMOTIONS
- Mindfulness helps slow our thoughts to clear space in our mind to pay attention to emotions
- Mindfulness helps us to be less critical of what we feel and instead feel curiosity about why we may feel how we do
- Mindfulness helps us to pay attention to our partner’s emotions and not rush through or avoid emotional experiences or conversations
THE MEANING WE GIVE TO SEX
- Mindfulness helps us clear our thoughts so that we can feel a greater connection to our partner, others, and humanity
- Mindfulness helps us to slow down and feel compassion for ourselves and others and identify meaning that is sometimes overlooked in fast sex
BODY
- Mindfulness helps us to be more aware of the physical sensations we experience
- Mindfulness helps us to reduce anxiety during intimacy and instead be more accepting of the physical connections we experience
Slowing down the process of sexual touch, awareness, and arousal has been shown to reduce anxiety, increase communication about sex, create more relational and sexual satisfaction and increase the feelings of connectedness.[i],[ii] Couples reported that although taking sex slow seemed too simple to make a big difference—IT DID! The relationship of couples who slowed down significantly improved. Couples reported improved sexual satisfaction, sexual communication, and decreased anxiety.
SLOW DOWN TO RECONNECT
Touch slowly. Touch purposefully. Talk about what this type of touch makes you feel. Look straight into each other’s eyes. Don’t be afraid of this deep type of intimacy. This is actually creating love. We often call having sex “making love.” When sex is more than just physical sensations of isolated pleasure, something IS created. Feelings of genuine connection, deep emotions, and overwhelming appreciation are created—we are literally making love.
So relax. Feel peace. Touch your partner authentically. Make love. Create a beauty in your relationship that wasn’t there before by simply slowing down to see you partner anew.
[i] Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual, relational, and individual wellbeing. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45, 497-509.
[ii] Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (in press). The sexual mindfulness project: A pilot study on the sexual and relational effects of sexual mindfulness. Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.